Break Me Shake Me
by DupesClause
Summary: After demanding for a new partner, Deidara is stuck with Zetsu who proves to be worse than his previous partners and he is forced to go head-to-head with a woman that's only goal is to destroy him, both physically and mentally. GENDERBEND! Dei/Fem!Zet
1. Move into Position

**WARNING! WARNING! YOU ARE ENTERING A GENDERBENDER FIC! TURN BACK NOW IF YOU'RE A YAOI FAN OR ANTI-GENDERBEND OR ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!**

**For those of you have decided to stay, Enjoy.**

…

"That's it! I have had it! I have FUCKING HAD IT!" Without even bothering to knock, I promptly thrust my leg into Sir Leader's door, the flimsy slab of wood flying inwards and crashing against the file cabinet set behind it, causing a ear-shattering, metallic bang to echo throughout the office and the force of the impact to knock the poor door off a few of its hinges. But despite my rather dramatic and destructive entrance, Sir Leader does not bother with halting in his paperwork to acknowledge me, or even take a single moment to glance at me either. Instead, it takes him a whole ten seconds until finally, he places his pen down, in the calmest way possible and folds his hands upon the desk, not meeting my eyes as his closed and a sigh slipped past his lips.

"May I help you, Deidara?"

I sneer angrily at his calm persona despite the obviously very serious situation presented before him. "Yes you can. I want a new partner, NOW!"

Sir Leader cracks open a single eyes at me, the violet orb behind observing me carefully before it closes again. "And tell me, what has Tobi done this time to cause you to once again, barge into my office, unannounced and uninvited, while demanding a new partner?"

"What has he done? WHAT HAS HE DONE? Only what he always does, un! COMPLETELY COMPROMISED OUR MISSION AND NEARLY GOT US BOTH KILLED!" I slam my fists upon his desk, the amount of force behind them enough to make the massive, oak wood desk tremble with the threat of collapsing into pieces. I lean forward, positioning my face mere inches from Sir Leader's, something that does not nudge him the least as his face remains irkingly impassive and his eyes remain close. "I want a new partner…**now**."

Finally, the fearsome leader's eyelids recoil to reveal his ringed pupils that calmly stared into my own azure orbs, the usual orbs not failing in making an unwanted shiver course down my spine but I refuse to allow the man to immediate me as I glare back, not backing down. After several painfully tense seconds, another sigh escapes him. "Very well."

I sneer angrily at the stubborn man and jerk backwards, poking a provoked finger in his face, too enraged to give a hint of a shit if he decided to break it off. "Fuck you! I refuse to leave here without a…" I pause in the middle of my triad when his words finally progressed through my frenzied brain functions, smothering my rage like ice water on a fire as confusion rose from the ashes like a newborn phoenix. "Wait what, un?"

"I said you could have a new partner." The Akatsuki leader states simply, his tone relaxed and overall cool stature making me unable to doubt however as I suspiciously eye the other male over.

"Just like that, un?"

"Just like that." He confirms.

"Seriously?"

Sir Leader heaves a deep sigh. "Yes, Deidara, I am serious."

I blink at Sir Leader, left utterly confounded and at a complete loss of words. I mean…that was it? I had been bitching to him the minute I was assigned Tobi as my new partner, which was about five months now, and he had been carelessly brushing aside my complaints and suddenly, now he agrees I can dump Tobi and have a new partner? It seemed…suspicious…

"Umm…" I mutter after a few moments of silence, bringing a hand upwards and scratching at the back of my head while glancing awkwardly to the side. "Err…thanks I guess. So who…?"

"From this day forward, you are to be partners with Zetsu." Yep, definitely a set up. Knew it.

"WHAT?" I bellow, but the outburst does little to bother Sir Leader as he casually resumes his paperwork, retrieving his pen and jotting down his signature upon the paper laid out upon his desk.

"You heard me. Now the transfer is immediate so I will prepare a mission for the both of you. Now if you will." He gestures at the broken door but ignore him as I sneer madly at the older man, my anger renewed with a vengeance.

"No! I refuse to be partners with…_Zetsu,_ un!" I exclaim, earning a raise of the eyebrow from the redheaded leader though he does not remove his eyes from the worksheet before him. "I said I wanted a new partner, not one worse than Tobi!"

"Oh? And what is wrong with Zetsu?"

"What's right with her, un?" I counter, my little comment managing to snag back Sir Leader's attention as he again abandons his paperwork in favour of peering at me, his eyes narrowed this time around though, causing a wave of shivers to roll throughout my body as his dojutsu stared at me down.

"_What's right with her_, is that she is the fact she is the highest superiour in this organization beside myself and you should feel honoured I am allowing you to be working alongside her." Sir Leader opposes, his voice having risen slightly in volume though it was the only sign of his own irritation that he allowed to escape. "You asked for a new partner and I have granted you one. Now, my decision is final and this conversation is over as we have nothing farther to discuss so I request you leave my office at once."

I open my mouth, ready to argue with all I had with the organization leader to deny partnership with both Zetsu and Tobi but I am unable to get a word out when there is a knocking behind me, capturing Sir Leader's attention as he removes it from me and rather focuses it on the person behind me.

"Ahh, Konan." I tear my sight away from Sir Leader behind me to where Konan was standing in the doorway of the office, visibly bewildered as she observed the destroyed door that rested uselessly against the dented, metal file cabinet. "Would you kindly inform Zetsu of her new partnership with Deidara, please?"

The bluenett spares me a puzzled look though says nothing as she merely nods and leaves to fulfill the task before I could object. I glance back at Sir Leader to find he had once more chosen his work over me, and I scowl at him before turning and proceeding to stomp out, realizing I had lost this fight, but am stopped as the man behind me speaks up. "Oh, and Deidara?"

I halt in step, grinding my teeth to prevent myself from snapping at the other and instead just snort loudly in response so he knew he had captured my attention and I didn't have to look at him again.

"After you finish moving into Zetsu's room, I want you both to return here and retrieve the information for your mission. Thank you for your cooperation."

I could literally feel my teeth cracking from the sheer force I was grinding them and it took every ounce of my will to force myself to nod before marching hastily out of the office before the leader was able to pour more bullshit onto me. Just as I left into the hallway toward my room, or former room to be exact now, Konan stepped out of a room father down the hallway, Zetsu's room obviously. Please tell me Zetsu wasn't there and she hadn't told her yet?

Unfortunately, it proved luck was not on my side today as Konan stepped out of the room, Zetsu stepped out right behind her. The two women conversed quietly amongst themselves a few moments before finally taking notice to me as I attempted to tiptoe to my room without their noticing. Konan mumbles something to the cannibal which Zetsu responds to with a nod before the origami wielder walks off back toward her partner's office, giving me an almost sympathetic nod as she passed by me.

"So…if I may," I flinch from the voice and glance away from Konan's retreating back to Zetsu whom was leaning against the doorway to her room, mismatched arms crossed over her chest and the smuggest of smirks pasted upon her unsightly mug. "**What the hell did you do to inflict me with the punishment of you being **_**my**_** partner?" **

I mimic her stance as I cross my own stitched-together arms and sneer rudely toward the female for her quip. "Punishment to _you_? I'm the one that is stuck with working with _you_ now, of all people, un!"

Zetsu scoffs. "Oh? You seriously think this is not some sort of punishment to me also? **Since I've set foot in this damned organization, I've worked alone so to suddenly be informed I am now partners with the notorious brat of this dump is a fate I consider worse than death**. **I'm not a damn babysitter**. I work _alone_."

I seethe at the short female and quickly construct a witty comeback to her ignorant crack but before I was able to put my clever thoughts into words, I am suddenly tackled to the ground from behind.

"Deidara-sempai!" Oh fuck me.

Lifting my face from its position of being smothered into the carpet, I spit out a luggie of blood and a small chunk of my tongue after I managed to bite the tip of the muscle off from Tobi attacking me, and snarl at the good boy that was currently on top of me and by the feel of it, nuzzling his obnoxious mask between my shoulder blades and against my beloved locks.

"Oh Deidara-sempai!" The boy wails with a sniffling sound to accustom his sad tone. "Tobi heard Deidara-sempai is leaving Tobi for Zetsu-san! Why is Deidara-sempai leaving Tobi?"

I growl and struggle under the other male but his larger frame and heavier weight proved troublesome to shake off. "How do you know I'm partnering up with Zetsu? Konan just told her, un!" I demand of the raven, bucking my hips against him to knock him off but again, he refuses to budge.

"Well, Tobi was playing with Hidan-kun, and Hidan-kun said he wanted to play hide-and-seek and told Tobi to hide so Tobi hid in the closet and Tobi overheard Konan-chan tell Zetsu-san that Deidara-sempai was her new partner. Oh!" A surprised choke escapes me as my former partner latches his arms around me and suddenly, tugs me upward into an awkward and painful hug, bending my spine backwards and compressing my ribcage with his arms, cutting off my air supply. "Please don't leave Tobi, Deidara-sempai!"

I waste no time to snatch up the opportunity of freedom as I thrust my elbow behind me, meeting my mark as I nail Tobi in the ribs, causing the younger man to squeak in pain and his grip upon me to loosen, allowing me twist in his arms and slam my foot into his stomach, sending him tumbling off me and rolling down the hallway.

"Deidara-sempai!" Tobi whines and poses to pounce at me again, but before I was able to scramble away, a door farther down the hallway creaks open, causing Tobi to pause in mid-assault as he directs his attention towards the sound before releasing a shrill gasp.

"Oh no! Tobi forgot he was playing hide-and-seek with Hidan-kun!" The black-haired boy quickly scampers to his feet, granting me one last look. "Sorry, Deidara-sempai. Tobi has to hide again!" And with that, he bolted for the door to the closet, throwing it open and ducking inside, the door silently clicking close behind him.

I release a fatigued sigh and slowly climb back to my feet, dusting myself free and spitting out more blood upon the floor, the crimson liquid blending with the dark threads on the carpet and disguising the slight mess from the human eye. Glancing over at Zetsu's room, the door was closed and Zetsu gone, having slipped away during my strife with Tobi. I snort. Good riddance. Unfortunately though, it wouldn't be the last time I saw her and now would have to wake up each and every morning now with the knowledge I was partners with her …Damn it all. Hopefully, Sir Leader would realize how large of a mistake this was and take it back, and even maybe get me an actual _new partner._ If I was lucky, that would be soon also. The battle might be over but fuck me if the war was also.

I sigh again with a more dramatic edge to it this time and despite my better judgment, I toss open the door to my old room and stomp inside to retrieve my belongings.

…

"Let me in! Zetsu! LET ME IN!" I yell at I kick the thick metal door to the schizoid's room, regretting the decision however as my foot vibrates with pain from the relenting door that refused to open. Well this was turning out well, five minutes of being partners with her and she was already pulling a 'Sasori-Danna' and locked me out!

I juggle the hefty chest that contained my clay supply in my arms and the equally heavy and large cardboards balanced upon it that were stuffed with my entire wardrobe, which could probably cloth an entire village, and other miscellaneous objects obtained from my room I saw necessary or just didn't want Tobi to get his hands on. I kick the door again despite past experience with doing such a mistake before and repeatedly slam my foot into the thick barrier, biting back the pain associated with the action.

Finally, after at least a minute of my fruitless attempts, the door groans and the hinges shriek as the thick door is heaved open and Zetsu pokes her out, looking irritated as though I had interrupted something important but I could give two shits less.

"About damn time, un!" I snap as I roughly shoulder my way past her as I storm into the room before she could lock me out again and dump the boxes to the floor, sighing in relief for my poor, strained arms as I gingerly massage the areas around the thick stitching.

Zetsu snorts loudly behind me. "Well pardon me for wanting some privacy in _my _room." She states and a snort at her remark.

"My room too now, un…" I mutter under my breath, sparing the woman a glare at the back of her emerald-locked head as she moved toward a massive, timber desk positioned in the back corner of the room, before prying my eyes away and observing my _new room_.

The first thing I noticed was it was small. Like, absolutely small, and I felt as though I wasn't standing in a room but rather a jail cell or closet that had been converted into a room, feeling incredibly cramped with the few pieces of furniture set up within which only included a bed, desk and wardrobe from what I saw. The next was that it was dark. Not like dark as in dimly lit, which it was, but I meant dark as in everything in the fucking room was dark. The walls were painted black, pitch black, giving the room an eerie and depressing feel, being bare of any pictures or other smudges of lighter colours. The blankets upon the bed were a deep red, the shade mimicking blood and I briefly wondered if that were their natural colours of if Zetsu had just dyed them with the blood of her past 'meals'. And the bed itself…

"Oh, fuck me, un." I seethe out when realizing a subtle fact I had glanced over before and I could hear the creaking of the wooden dinner chair Zetsu was sitting in currently.

"What is it?"

I cast my attention towards her, giving her a flat look as I struggled with my own conscious not to start screaming and storm back into Sir Leader's office to attempt again to demand a new partner that wasn't Zetsu, or Tobi.

I inhale deeply, smothering my fastly building anger. "There's…only…one…bed…" I hiss out and point accusingly at the **single,** queen-sized bed set up in the middle of the room. Single…meaning one. One! ONE!

Zetsu raises an inquisitive eyebrow and stares at the damned object for a moment before throwing her shoulders up in an uncaring shrug. "So?" 

I gape at her. "So? SO? THERE'S ONLY ONE BED!"

Zetsu gives a short nod. "Yes there is." She replies simply and turns back around in her chair, resuming whatever she had been previously working on. My hanging jaw snaps close and I snarl viciously.

"I refuse to share a bed with_ you_, un!" I exclaim firmly but it does little to stir the green-haired female as she continues to work, merely sparing me another shrug.

"Then don't. Sleep on the floor for all I care."

I snarl louder, now pointing my finger at her turned back. "Fuck you! I am not sleeping on the fucking floor, un! You sleep on the fucking floor!"

The comment is enough to win back her attention as she shifts back around in her chair, squinting her eyes into a glare, or at least her human eye did making me briefly consider her glare more intimidating over that of Sir Leader's as her other eye remained open in an unblinking and creepy gaze.

"Excuse me?" She snarls out, her thin lips curling back to reveal her petite, yet lethal fangs that lined her gums. "The last time I checked, this was _my_ room and _my_ bed and they've been mine before you were even _born_." She stands from her chair and gives a threatening step toward me, something I unconsciously respond to by stepping backwards away from her as she advanced on me. Although I hated to admit it, Zetsu was easily one of the more intimidating members of the Akatsuki without even having to try most times. I suppose a cannibalistic schizoid just had that effect.

She continues to proceed toward me at a lazy pace as I back away until finally managing to back myself against the iron door leading out to the hallway. Though Zetsu does not halt and I swallow thickly as she does not pause until directly in front of me, placing her hands beside either side of my arms and leaning her face toward mine own with only a few centimeters to divide us, the noticeable height difference between us seemingly nonexistent.

She positions her mouth directly over my ear and I shutter involuntarily as her sickly warm breath brushes against the shell of it. "If you have such a problem with this then I suggest you suck it up and deal with it because you're my partner now and I am your senior meaning you did not command me, I command you, understand?" I swallow again, my throat clicking loudly in the awkward silence and I open my mouth to respond but she interrupts me as she continues. "**I'm not you beloved Danna and I'm not Tobi, I will not tolerate your bitching or allow you to walk over me. Deal with it."** Again, I attempt to speak but am cut off again, this time by the shrill sound of the door opening as I suddenly shoved backwards into the hallway, landing hard onto my back and knocking the air from my lungs, stunning me for a moment.

"**Oh, and regarding the 'fuck you' comment,"** Zetsu states and I blink a few times up at her as I regained my senses, noticing her standing in the doorway with her hand posed on the knob and staring down at me, her face having hardened back into it's trademark, detached appearance. "I would never stoop so low." And with that, she delivers a harsh kick to my legs, efficiently knocking them out of the pathway of the door before she slams it close, the force behind it causing the wall around it to quiver and dust to fall from the ceiling.

I snort at the now closed door to the woman behind it and get to my feet, brushing myself clean of the dust that had cascaded from the ceiling above and fixing my hair which had become messed from the fall. What a fucking bitch! I just get stuck with her and already she was treating me like shit. Lower than shit even! I release an excessive sigh and charge away from the room towards the kitchen. I needed a drink. 

…

"Our targets are Norio Tanaka and Ichirou Sato," Was the first thing I heard as I managed to sneak my way back into my new bedroom later that night after Tobi blurted out the fact the door required a code to open to me then freely gave me said code before running off to continue hiding despite the obvious fact Hidan had just conceived the game up to rid Tobi from his hair. I raise a blonde eyebrow towards Zetsu, whom was seated at her desk again with the mission scroll spread out in front of her as she read aloud the details from it. "Tanaka is a drug lord functioning in the the Land of Grass region and Sato is a Takigakure ANBU captain that has been suspected of buying illegal Soldier Pills off Sato that are made with the appearance of normal Military Ration Pills though instead, they are created with a concentrated amount of steroids, prolonging and multiplying the effects of them to create, in simple terms, 'Super Soldiers'."

She finishes reading and removes her black-rimmed reading glasses, setting them aside as she finally shifts around in her chair to acknowledge me. "Basically, our mission is to travel to the Land of Grass and observe Tanaka and confirm if he is affiliated with Sato whom has been reported to be sighted in the Land of Grass numerous times, specifically at the first week of each month**. If these two are in business with the other, it can prove to be troublesome for the Akatsuki to function in the Takigakure region with these 'Super Soldiers' roaming about**. After we confirm or disprove their relationship, we are to report back. It should take no more than three days, two if the reports are right and Sato has been primarily seen in the Land of Grass between the days of Tuesday and Thursday."

She nudges forward two pictures of our targets and I cautiously approach the desk, unsure if she were still irked about before, and retrieve the two photographs, one being a mug shot of Tanaka, a sleazy appearing man with messy black hair and greasy skin that was complimented by his sunken in, brown eyes and yellowed teeth as he grinned smugly at the camera, definitely a druggie. The other was of Sato, which was a poorly cut from an obviously larger picture, possibly of him and his squad with his face just zoomed in on, showing how much more clean he was than Tanaka but definitely nastier looking as his green orbs glared at the camera, his neon red hair slicked back into a ponytail with a matching mustache that was so bushy it concealed his lips.

"So what, that's it, un? We just go in, see if these bastards know each other and leave?" I question as I place the pictures back on the scroll Zetsu had set aside as she worked on a random worksheet. "Seems stupid. I mean if the two of them are together and doing business, why not just take them out then and there?"

"Because it's not our job." Zetsu explains, adjusting her glasses upon the tip of her nose. "We're only to obtain information about them then report back so one of the other teams can go in and exterminate them."

"And why is it not out job, un? I mean, we're the ones Sir Leader is sending afterall." I press on, earning a voluminous sigh from Zetsu as she removes her glasses and pinches the bridge of her nose.

"**Because it's not our job!"** She barks, her short fuse already lit as she slammed her free fist down onto the obese desk with enough force that is groans loudly under her impressive strength. "We're spies, we spy. We're not authorized to do otherwise without granted condonance from Sir Leader. Now if you will, please cease with your ridiculous questions so I can work!"

I snort at her small temper tantrum and cross my arms. "Spies? The last time I checked I wasn't a 'spy', un. I was an artist, and still was."

"Well you became a spy the moment you became my partner." Zetsu comments, having come down from her bitchy high and had returned to her work as she wrote down unknown contents on a paper, her cursive too elaborate that it was impossible for me to read.

"For the record," I mutter, turning away and heading towards the door beside the woman's desk which I assumed was the bathroom so to wash. "I never wanted to be your partner, un."

"Oh really?" I pause outside the door with my hand resting upon the brass knob and gaze over my shoulder to see Zetsu had ceased her work once more and was turned around in her chair so she was facing me, a smirk pasted upon her bicoloured lips. "If you truly hated being my partner, then you would have fought Sir Leader tooth-and-nail instead of allowing him to stick you with me then left like some mutt with your tail between your legs." The snobbish expression only expands as it swells into a full blown grin, her pointed teeth peeking out from behind her lips in a creepy fashion. "**Admit it; you're thrilled to be working with the only other woman in this organization in hopes of pleasuring those teenager hormones of yours without having a wooden dick shoved up your ass." **

The insolent remark was enough to startle me to my core as I gawked at the crude woman in absolute revulsion from such a horrendous assumption. I open my mouth, intent of giving her the tongue lashing of her life but due to my mind since recuperating from the sheer shock of her comment, I was left at a loss of words as I simply stood there, looking as foolish as Zetsu had portrayed me as I hassled to conceive a savvy retort to her insulting words.

"I…" I utter out after several numbing seconds. "I'm not…that's not…" But still nothing replicating sense escaped past my lips only causing the grin on Zetsu's loathsome face to broaden as flames of amusement visibly danced within her honey-coloured orbs as they peered at me. After another moment more, I sneer at the female and turn away, snarling out, "I'm taking a shower, un." Before throwing open the door and stomping inside, slamming the door behind me, only to throw it back open and storm out to the other door, ducking inside before Zetsu was able to make the evident comment about me mistaking the closet for the bathroom.

…

"**About time you got out, spending it all in a feeble attempt to make yourself beautiful I see?"** Zetsu noted as I stepped out of the shower an estimated half-an-hour later. I huff crossly at her as I wring my hair dry with a grey towel (this one obviously being hers as the other had been a bright orange) then toss it carelessly back in the bathroom upon the floor for her to pick up later since I certainly wasn't. She replies to my grunt with one of her own as she snorts crassly in my direction before burying her face back in the novel she currently had open in front of her as she laid stretched out upon the middle of the wide bed. "While you were washing, I took the liberty of setting up the floor for you seeing as you bluntly refuse to share a bed with me."

I raise an eyebrow in curiosity at her sudden benevolence and observe the floor, my forehead creasing in confusion as a frown tugged at my lips. "There's nothing on the floor, un." I say while inspecting the floor finding it bare of any sort of comfort that could make it considered rest worthy.

"Exactly." I glance up and glowered fiercely at the smirking woman as she sets aside her book and leans over to the cabinet set up beside the bed, bracing a hand upon the lamp that sat upon before regarding me with that conceited smirk of hers. "We leave on our mission tomorrow. Sleep well, _Deidara."_ With that said, she switches off the light, drowning the room in pitch blackness.

"Bitch." I mutter under my breath, low enough she was unable to hear the insult, hopefully. Seeing as I had no choice, rather choosing death than indeed sharing a bed with her, I slowly crouch to the ground, feeling around on the carpet to ensure if was cleared of anything before lowering myself onto the uncomfortable floor. I heave a deep sigh as I adjust myself onto my back then side and over again in a feeble attempt to find a suitable position to sleep in though the floor proved relentless.

This would be a long night…

…

**AN: I… -gets pelted with rocks- No please! I can explain –hit with bucket- I just wanted to write a Dei/Fem!Zet fic! –flees from more hatred- I don't care. I'mma post this story and you are going to like it! …please? **

**Anyway, all joking aside. I AM IN DESPERATE NEED OF A BETA! SERIOUSLY! I NEED ONE! Did you not read this? Probably not, but it's pretty freaky shotty at best without someone to double check it so I ask for assistance! **


	2. Move Me

**OMG. I am surprised how many people actually liked this story, far more than I originally expected since people don't like genderbends and I LOVE IT! THANK YOU THANK YOU SO MUCH ALL OF YOU! You encouraged me to get this chapter done as soon as possible!**

**Anyway, here it is. I hope you guys like it, I LOVE YOU ALL! Lol. **

**Enjoy**

…

The next morning, I was awaken by a shrill scream. I jerk awake from the pained sound and glance around wildly for the source before realizing it had originated from the bathroom, causing a smirk to crawl onto my face. Looks like Zetsu had found my 'present' and realized I hadn't actually spent all that time in the shower just to 'beatify' myself.

A moment later, the door to the bathroom smashes open and Zetsu comes charging out, tightly clenching her towel against her chest in a lame attempt at covering up her still wet and naked body, feeble but greatly appreciated nonetheless since it meant I wouldn't go blind at the moment.

"**WHAT DID YOU DO?" **The schizoid roars as she struggled to keep a grip upon the slipping towel while also snatching hold of the front of my shirt and using it as a handle to shake me violently, jarring me free of any remaining drowsiness.

I give the enraged woman the most innocent look as I hassled with another smirk that threatened to surface. "What? I was just trying to help you so I put some cleaning agents in your shampoo so it would clean your hair better considering how dirty it always looks, un." I coo and Zetsu snarls viciously, her unusual teeth gnashing in my face and coming uncomfortably close to taking off my nose.

**"YOU FUCKING BASTARD! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH YOUR LITTLE FUCKING PRANK HURT?" **She thrusts me forward roughly, sending me tumbling backwards and causing me to smack the back of head against the metal framing of the bed, a curse slipping past my lips as I clench at my throbbing skull though despite this, I smirk.

"Well, you hurt my feelings last night so I only thought it would be fair, un." I comment as I observe my hand for blood in case I managed to accidently crack my skull open. "Plus, your hair really does look nasty. Just saying."

The woman pants heavily in rage, her teeth still bore like some damned dog as her narrowed bloodshot eyes glowered at me. "Fine." She seethes after a one moment, inhaling deeply as if to calm herself. "Seeing as you were so intent of sabotaging my shampoo, then I guess I'll just have to use yours now."

I gasp at the woman that was now smirking herself. "You better not, un. That shampoo costs more than your life!" I exclaim but it only succeeds in causing her smirk to widen.

"**Then it should do a better job at washing my 'dirty' hair."** She replies smugly before turning around as she headed back to the bathroom, leaving her two-toned backside bare of any cover and swaying her hips with each step, obviously on purpose, and causing me to gag audibly and look away as my poor eyes literally burned from the ungodly scene. The door clicks close with a small snicker from the female and I groan as I rub at my stinging eyes, attempting desperately to rid the visual of Zetsu's ass from my memory.

After that attempt proved fruitless, I blink open my now sore eyes and lean up against the bed, peeking over it at the digital alarm clock on the opposite side to find it quarter-to-five and since I didn't manage to drift off until at least three, it meant I was functioning on barely an hour's sleep for this mission. Delightful.

A yawn escapes my mouth at the discovery and for a moment I debated whether or not I should just say screw the mission and go back to sleep but then realized Zetsu no doubt wouldn't allow that and just wake me up anyway so I tossed that idea out the window as I forced my exhausted body to its feet. I yawn again as I stretch my tired muscles, an uncounted amount of bones cracking in reply as my body unknotted itself from the uncomfortable night's sleep upon the hard floor. Damn, another night of this and I would wake up as a pretzel, but I guess it was still better than waking up next to the 'Queen Bitch'.

Due to my lack of sleep, I might as well been wrestling a lion as I sluggishly kicked off my sleeping clothing and dressed in my uniform. Because Zetsu was still in the bathroom, I refused to walk in just to retrieve my comb in fear of catching glimpse of something more horrendous this time and instead resorted with using my fingers and mouths on my hands as I straightened out my hair from the night before and freed it of any troublesome knots.

By the time I finished dressing and packing a bag for the mission, Zetsu finally finished her shower and exited the bathroom, only adorning her towel upon her dripping body as she made her way past me to the wardrobe causing me to quickly avert my eyes to the floor to avoid sight of her. As she stood behind me, I couldn't help but smell the overpowering scent of coconuts and bit down onto my tongue to suppress a growl when realizing the obvious fact she had indeed used my beloved shampoo, and by the strength of the scent, she had used a lot of it.

"Leave the bag; we're not bringing anything with us." I raise an eyebrow from the statement and make the mistake of glancing behind me in question only to sight Zetsu had abandoned her towel and was dressing in a pair of underwear, making me gag again and direct my sight back to the floor as I struggled with the sickly warm bile I felt creeping up the back of my throat.

I swallow it back thickly. "Why? Don't we need supplies, un? Like clothes and food?"

"The mission is only two days, three at the most, no need to bring along supplies when none are needed. The only clothes you need are the ones you currently have on, and as for food, just shove something in your pockets."

I frown. "So what? Does that mean we aren't going to set up camp either, un? Where are we going to sleep?"

"We'll camp at the rendezvous point and as for sleeping, there will be no time for sleep. We need to keep an eye on our target and track their movements at all times."

I am unable to help but turn to gape at the woman, thankfully this time she being more dressed as she pulled on her grey slacks. "Are you kidding me? Do you honestly expect me to seriously go without food or sleep or even bathing for three straight days, un?"

Zetsu pivots her head towards me, peering over her blacken shoulder as she ties the sash to her pants. "It's the disciplines of being a spy."

"I'm not a spy! I keep telling you, un!" I bark at her, clenching my hands into fists so tightly my fingers pressed against the teeth of mouths of my palms and the mouths recoiled in pain. "I'm an artist!"

The green-haired woman frowns before turning her head away. "You are now, that's what I keep telling _you."_ She mutters back as she finishes dressing by promptly pulling on a grey muscle shirt before advancing to the door, retrieving her cloak which was hung beside it. "Now, I suggest you finish readying yourself so we can set off. Meet me outside once you've finished." She shrugs on the massive cloak which the collar of was so oversized it slumped off her shoulders, appearing down right comical and despite the fact Zetsu was obviously attempting to be a badass, it wasn't working with that cloak on and I had to bite back a snicker at her expense as she stormed out the room, slamming the door close behind her like it was made of flimsy wood rather than six-inch steel.

I breathe out a sharp sigh of exasperation and abandon my baggage as I get to my feet to finish up and meet the Ice Queen before she came charging back inside and chose to remove me by my ear. As I headed toward the bathroom, I couldn't help but notice my clay pouch lying upon the large, wooden chest containing my clay. Well…she did say I didn't need to bring food and supplies…but nothing about my clay, and there was nothing wrong with being a little prepared, right? It _was_ the difference between life and death, and what she didn't know wouldn't hurt her.

I snag up the leather pouch and lock the belt around my waist, quickly shoveling in some spare clay into it from my chest before zipping it close and ducking into the bathroom to finish cleaning up.

…

"About time. **What the hell were you doing, watching paint dry?"** Zetsu scolded me as I finally exited a base at least a half-an-hour later. I roll my eyes at the persnickety woman and shove the last of my slice of burnt toast into my mouth before brushing my hands clean on my cloak, the mouths on my hands licking clean any missed crumbs.

"Just was doing as you said and finishing up, un." I reply coolly and reach into my cloak pocket, retrieving a premade bird I had crafted together while waiting for my toast to finish. I toss it to the ground and prep a serpent handsign but before I could activate it, Zetsu stomps onto the poor clay eagle.

"Hey!" I bark as Zetsu squishes the bird into a pile of white mush before relenting on the clay creation and scraping her sandal clean on the surrounding forest flooring as though she had just stepped on gum.

"No flying, it's too easy for our targets to see you and recognize you as Akatsuki and/or possibly get spooked. We walk."

I scoff. "All the way to the Land of Grass? That's at least an entire day's walk from here, un."

"Which why we're setting off a day early." Zetsu comments and buttons up her cloak halfway before aligning the enlarged collar along her shoulders so it neatly sagged off them. **"I'll head off ahead and set a path to our destination so you're able to at least know where you're going without delaying us by inevitably becoming lost."**

I huff at the insolent assumption but brush it aside as I raise an inquiring eyebrow toward her as she continues to fumble with her cloak. "So you're going ahead and just leaving me to travel alone, un? I'd hate to say this and refer to us as so, but partners are supposed to stay together at all times so one is not overwhelmed by possible enemies or left behind."

"I won't be abandoning you, I'll simply by ahead of you and if there are any enemies about, I will easily dispatch them so they do not hinder our progress." She replies and steps away toward a nearby tree with her back to me, setting a hand upon it and stroking the bark of it as if it were some fuzzy animal. "Now, we need to set off so not to lose anymore time. Do not dally and if you do happen to encounter someone, do not pick a fight, we can't afford delays if you want this mission over as soon as possible."

I snort and cross my arms over my chest. "Fine. How do I know your path though, un? Since, I mean obviously I can't find my way anywhere." I seethe with my voice audibly thick with sarcasm but it doesn't appear she picked up on it or was just plain ignoring me. Most likely the latter.

She glances at me over her shoulder. "You'll just know. **Trust me."** With that, there is suddenly a loud, disturbing crunching and bubbling sound, causing me to flinch slightly and glance around, unsure where is was originating before focusing my attention back upon Zetsu, noticing she was twitching madly, almost manically and for a moment I wondered if she were having a seizure or was stroking out. A moment later, there is a startling and wet ripping sound and the two infamous, brightly green flytrap-like extensions thrust out from under Zetsu's cloak, bracing themselves upon the woman's upper body as they appeared to 'devour' her. Zetsu exhales audibly and takes a second, obviously to get her bearings, before there is powerful humming sound and Zetsu slowly melts into the great oak tree, vanishing inside it.

I blink a few times, trying to process what I had just witnessed but after a few moments, my brain is unable to comprehend it and I released a sigh with a shake of my head. Zetsu was just a freak of nature in every way, back and forth; there was no understanding her even if you got the most intelligent person in the world to investigate her, plain and simple.

With the disturbing chain of events shoved behind me, I set off away from the base, heading northwest in the exact direction of the Land of Grass. I didn't need a guide; I knew where I was going. I wasn't some fool that would wonder around aimlessly until either stumbling upon my destination or getting so lost I couldn't find my way back and starved to death. I wasn't.

Suddenly, my internal rants are cut short as my foot unknowingly snags something in the ground and I fall forward, managing to catch myself though before I faceplanted against the ground.

"What the?" I sneer and glance behind me toward my damned foot to see a root sitting clear out of the ground, as if someone had placed it there with the sole purpose of tripping me. I growl at the infernal growth and kick my foot backwards to smack it out of a mild rage but before my foot was able to make contact, the root vanished into the ground, like a rabbit ducking into a burrow. I blink in confusion. The…fuck?

The root reemerges a few feet away, slithering out of the ground like a snake and facing me for a second before diving back into the ground, popping up a few feet more away in the opposite direction, almost if it were trying to lead me. Suddenly, it strikes me and I slap a hand over my face at my sheer cluelessness. Zetsu. Of course.

I get to my feet, clapping my hands free of dirt and brushing it off my knees as I watched the root pop in and out of the ground like a prairie dog on sugar. It must've have been what she meant by 'leading me'. But why was it heading in the southeast direction? That wasn't the way the Land of Grass was. Was she purposely attempting to lead me in the wrong direction so I got lost and couldn't interfere with this mission? Did she seriously not trust me to such an extent? Ha! Well I wasn't falling for it!

Ignoring the guide, I march in the original direction I was heading, only for a few steps later, the root wraps itself around my ankle and jerks me backwards, the action so quick I was unable to brace myself this time as I slammed face first into the dirt. I tilt my head up and spit out the dirt that had gotten into my mouth before growling and flipping onto my back, using my free foot to attempt to kick the troublesome root off though it easily avoided my attack before tangling itself around my other leg, also holding it captive.

"Let me go!" I demand and wriggle violently against the limb though it seems to only agitate it as it tightens its hold upon me and proceeds to creep up the length of my body like a boa constrictor going in for the kill, making me pause for a moment as the worse came to mind of where this situation might be leading. Oh god, I had seen this in a movie once and didn't like where it was going.

The root inches uncomfortably close to my face and I quickly snatch the plant, attempting to keep it clear away from my face though it proves to be surprisingly strong as it rips free from my grip and wastes no time to loop itself around my wrists, holding them straight above my head as I was posed in a submissive and humiliating position. Oh god, this thing was going to rape me! Zetsu had one fucking twisted sense of humour. And I was barely outside the base. If someone were to see me like this…oh god!

With me completely bound and unable to fight back, the root hovers over my face, as if staring at me before it bows forward and brushes away my fringe, tucking it behind my ear in a disgustingly gentle gesture and making me involuntarily flinch away from the disagreeable action. It then focuses on my scope as it probes it but I jerk my head away to avoid it though my continued resistance does not seem to bother it any longer as instead of attacking again, it merely clicks on my scope. The black, digital screen flickers on and loads for a second before it clears and the camera switches on as it automatically analyzes the surrounding environment, searching for hostiles that did not exist.

The root nudges my head straight and tilts it upward so I was forced to stare ahead of me in the direction of the back of the hideout, the same direction the persistent root had attempted to convince me to go. My scopes shutters as it once again analyzes the new scenery and as it did, I made the mistake of glancing upwards towards the top of the screen where there was a compass listed and as I did, I felt my face flush. Oh…

As if sensing my sudden realization, the root releases me and slithers away back into the ground before repeating its previous action by hopping in and out of the ground in random spots though all heading in the opposite direction. I get to my feet, smoothing out my clothing and fixing my hair back in its original position before begrudgingly following after the molesting root as it crawled ahead of me in the correct direction towards the Land of Grass.

As I did, I made a mental note to always check if I was heading in the right direction before some plant with rape-like intensions tried to show me otherwise. Damn you, Zetsu.

…

The travel to the Land of Grass was surprisingly lonely and too prolonged for my taste, the rapeish root didn't help much either.

About two hours in, my lack of sleep finally caught up with me and I decided to take a moment to sit down and snooze for an hour or two, deciding Zetsu could wait, but the root, which exhibited the obviously exact violent tendencies of its master, refused to that and I was savagely awoken to being hung from a tree with the root acting as a makeshift noose around my neck. After that, I ultimately decided rest could wait for a few hours more.

Halfway to the old battle zone, the root suddenly vanished and I was left on my own, though I could honestly say I preferred it. About an hour of this, I entered one of the infinite forests surrounding the region and discovered most of the trees were painted with fresh blood and bile and body parts of unknown shiniobi hung from the branches, definitely Zetsu's work. This where I was also supplied with my next guide in the form of the blood-soaked trees suddenly coming to life and leading me through the thick forest by dropping miscellaneous, severed limbs in front of me, creating a demented and gory path of death. Needless to say, I was glad when I managed to finally get out. Zetsu sure was fucked up in the head. First a touchy-feely root, now murderous trees that threw somebody's body parts at you. I was actually slightly afraid of what was next to come. I bet she was doing this on purpose for this morning. Twisted bitch.

Thankfully, the next two forests I was forced to endure didn't have any death flinging trees in them but my newly loathed foe, the root, reappeared as it helped my navigate through the massive bamboo and over the giant mushrooms that blocked most paths. About three-quarters through the next forest, my exhaustion returned, more determined and nasty as ever as I ran ever closer to twenty-four hours without sleep, but due to my little friend, I was unable to stop to rest since it would no doubt make another attempt at my life so instead, I force fed myself the few pastures I had brought along in hopes the copious amounts of sugar would give my tired body the boost it needed to complete the trip. Unfortunately, that wasn't the case and instead I was left with a killer stomachache that haunted me for hours to come.

By the time I exited the previous forest, the sun had long gone to sleep and the moon had taken its place, drowning the surrounding land of greens and browns with black and blue as darkness overtook. Thankfully, my scope had a night vision function and the nighttime proved no hassle for me to navigate through, nor the bothersome root as it continued to lead on through one of the region's lush fields and into another forest though this one was thinner with most of the trees having been cut down for one reason or another, leaving behind their grand trunks to occupy the forest instead.

A few minutes into walking, the root disappeared again though I paid little mind to it as I just continued on, more focused on keeping myself awake than where some stupid plant went off to. As I walked, I couldn't help but notice the few trees remaining were primarily clustered together toward the opposite end of the forest but didn't think about it much as I ducked through them to make my way out, but as I did, I suddenly lost my footing as I stepped into an empty space. My body tipped forward dangerously and I desperately attempt to catch myself as I jerk my body backwards and flail my arms, succeeding in averting my fall as I tumbled onto my back with a grunt.

I heave a sigh of relief and push myself back to my feet, shaking off the soil and checking my hair to ensure it was free of dirt before cautiously stepping forward and peeking over the missing chunk of land I had inadvertently stepped off, finding it wasn't some random pitfall but rather a cliff with an estimated hundred-foot drop into a valley that interestingly enough had a cabin sitting at the bottom of it. Wait…a cliff? Why the hell would Zetsu lead me to a cliff I obviously wouldn't have noticed unless I was watching my feet while I walked? Unless…it was intentional. She did lead me in here and probably knew of the cliff and I was going to see if I would walk off it. That conniving bitch! She was trying to kill me! She probably tried to dispatch me so I couldn't muck up the mission and have my death look like an accident! That bitch. That bitch! Well not this time, Ms. Ice Bitch. I wasn't falling for your tricks. Literally.

All of a sudden, there is a strong buzzing noise before me, almost sounding like a giant fly and I spin around to comfort it, retrieving a kunai from my ankle and posing it toward the potential threat only to find Zetsu's eyesore of a flytrap ascending out of the forest floor. The trap groans as it cracks open and a single, glowing eye peers from inside.

"About time you arrived. **I was about to assume you died and blessed me with a meal." **Zetsu purrs from inside and I snort as I place the knife away in the holder strapped to my ankle.

"I bet you did, with that dirty little trick of yours, un." I reply.

"Trick?"

I snort again. "You know what I mean, un. You led me straight to a fucking cliff!"

"I did no such thing. I merely led you to our rendezvous position, I never instructed you to keep walking. That was your own choice." The woman claims and I release a bark of laughter at her attempted 'innocence' in the collaboration to my murder.

"Sure. So it was your little 'friend's idea then to try and rape me, un? Or the trees to shower me with dead people?" I exclaim and Zetsu chuckles lowly, a dark and creepy sound that could even make the devil shiver.

"**Actually, those were my doing, but you can't deny the fact you enjoyed being 'manhandled'**." She states with the 'manhandling' part clearly emphasized which I effortlessly pick up on to what she actually meant and the comment succeeds in flustering me greatly as I ball my hands into fists and growl wildly at her.

"I'm not gay!" I hiss through bared teeth but the woman obviously defends her damned assumptions despite being presented with the truth as she carelessly throws aside the entire conversation with a single shrug of her shoulders.

"Whatever you say**. Now, onto what is actually important." **I snort irritably toward her as the freakish plant-woman phases through the ground toward the cliff. "That is Tanaka's cabin. I've been observing him and the analyzing the surrounding area and so far there is no sign of Sato."

I gaze over the cliff at the cabin below which was the only beacon of light in the murky darkness as the inside was emulated with several lights. I glance around but my scope picked up no heat signatures belonging to anyone roaming outside the house.

"Is it just Tanaka?" I question and zoom in my scope so to get a better view on the cabin though have to switch on my night vision so the flares of light didn't ruin my sensitive eye.

"Yes. There are no other chakra signs besides his." Zetsu confirms and I give a grunt of acknowledgment. A drug lord with no body guards? Cocky bastard. Or just foolish. I was aiming for the latter.

I seat myself upon the cliff and cross my legs as I switch off my scope. "What is he doing now, un?"

"Before you arrived, he was in the process of making dinner." Zetsu shuffles around and I could feel her settle beside me and even smell it from the still remaining presence of my shampoo to the heavy, musky scent her flytrap emitted. No wonder she would attempt to make herself smell as nice and strong as possible, because in reality she reeked from that damn plant of hers. Or maybe it was just her. Wouldn't doubt it.

Upon hearing that, I nod. "Good. Which means nothing interesting and I can take a short nap until then, un." I shift myself into a laying position as I spread myself out onto my stomach and fold my arms on the ground, using them as a makeshift pillow as I rest my head on them but the moment my eyes fell shut for some much needed rest, something slams brutally into my back. I yelp in pain and roll over to avoid another hit only to find Zetsu towering over me, quite literally, with her arm bent and the elbow posed at me.

"What the hell, un?" I demand, sitting up as I twisted my arm back to stroke the section of my back that now throbbed and stung to the touch from her hit.

She lowers her arm beside her side**. "I told you, no sleeping.** We must keep our eyes on the target at all times. **No exceptions."**

I gape at her. "Are you serious? He's fucking eating, un! He's doing nothing! And besides, he's not even the one we're supposed to be watching for!" I bark.

**"How do you know he's doing nothing? He might be doing something and we might miss it if we decide to take a nap. **And we were assigned to this position overseeing him so we are required to observe his movements also."

I scoff. "That's bullshit. If you wanna watch him, then watch him all you like, un. Myself on the other hand, am going to sleep because of someone, I didn't get an ounce of rest last night! Now, if you will." I roll back over onto my abdomen and laid my cheek against my outstretched arm in another attempt at sleep but like before, Zetsu prevented it as this time she delivered a swift kick into my ribs, the strength of it actually causing my body to flop back onto my back.

"Stop it!" I rub at my ribs, ensuring she hadn't broken any as I gently probed my side with my fingers.

"**One, it was not my doing in your decision in sleeping on the floor because you're too immature to sleep beside a woman.** And two, you are a spy and the first rule is that you are to expect the unexpected, which means learning all your target's tricks so they can not get an upperhand on you." I open my mouth to remind her I was not a spy but she cuts me off, obviously predicting what I would say. "You are a spy**. Deal with it."**

I sigh deeply. "How about we compromise then, un? We'll take turns. I'll sleep for a few hours while you keep watch, then you can sleep and I'll keep watch. How about that, un?"

Despite the utter darkness residing within her trap, I could practically hear her face sag into a deep frown as her glowing iris narrows and arms cross. "Absolutely not. You no doubt would nod off while I was sleeping or neglect your duties and our target would make an important move we would miss or you'd leave us both open for attack. **You are staying awake and keeping watch whether you like it or not." **

I attempt to speak up again to defend my decision and persuade her she was being too much of a bitch, but like Sir Leader, she refused to hear it as she snarled at me, obviously fed up with my bitching and because frankly I was too tired to keep fighting it, I just gave in for the mean time and released a sigh as I flopped onto my stomach and tried the best I could to focus on the cabin below while struggling with my dropping eyelids.

The entire night was spent with the same detestable pattern. I would fall asleep and Zetsu would awaken me in some form of pain whether it being kicking me or stomping on my back. Then five minutes later, I would fall back asleep and the pattern would repeat. By the time the sun finally rose, my ribs hurt so badly I could hardly move and I was pretty sure the vertebrae between my shoulders and pelvis were nothing by dust by now. And worse yet, nothing happened the entire night. No movements. Nothing. Meaning I was running with an entire day without rest for nothing. De-Fucking-Lightful.

I shoved the rest of my breakfast rice cake in my mouth and clapped my hands clean before scouting my pockets for another but found my pockets were completely bare except for empty wrappers. Great, one day in and I was already out of food too. This mission could not get any fucking worse.

I exhale mournfully and rest my chin on my arm as I laid on my stomach and continued to aimlessly watch the still cabin that still had no sign of life making me wonder if Zetsu was bullshitting just to torture me and were just watching an empty cabin that was just haunted. It was the only explanation I could think of that explained why the lights in it would flicker on and off though it appeared there wasn't a soul in sight.

I glance at Zetsu from the corner of my eye to find the woman still hidden away in her trap as she intently monitored the building below, or at least I assumed since I couldn't actually see her with that damned thing on. I couldn't understand why she would haul that thing around when it was so hideous, not that she looked any better, but I guessed it had something to do with stealth or some junk like that. With her attention averted, I decide to push my luck once more and close my eyes, praying she would not notice and I could finally drift out into an actual slumber rather than a few minute nap that would result in my bones being crushed.

Thankfully, I did manage to nod off though I wasn't sure for how long because I was once more awoken by Zetsu ramming her elbow into my spinal column.

"**Wake up! Sato is here!"** The woman's darker half hisses and I blink tiredly a few times before it finally registered in my brain of what she just said and suddenly I felt more awake than I had for awhile as I surveyed the valley below, the ANBU's flaming hair the first thing that caught my eye. Thank god, finally!

The captain was exiting a bamboo forest down below that was several meters away from Tanaka's cabin, a miniature army of ANBU following behind the redhead. Looks like he brought some lab rats also. That could prove problematic if his lackies started popping pills then and there and roid raged in the remote chance Zetsu and I were detected. Definitely a messy scenario but hopefully avoidable.

I shift my gaze to the cabin to find someone leaving it and even as far away as we were and without the aid of my scope, I could tell it was Tanaka by the sheer, greasy shine his hair emitted and the ugly, light blue suit jacket he wore. Even a person as blind as Itachi could tell he was a drug lord. Obviously not a man for not drawing attention to himself and the fact he sold dope for a living.

I turn my scope back on and after it finished loading, I zoom in onto the two men as they approached each other and greeted the other with a firm handshake. Suddenly, Zetsu smacks me in my arm, making me grunt though before I could snap at her, she speaks up.

"Can you read lips?" She questions and I raise an eyebrow at her odd request but nod nonetheless. "Good, it's too dangerous to get close. We'll have to stay afar." For once, I see her logic in the current situation and I concentrate upon the two men as they chatted but due to Tanaka having his back to us, I was only able to read Sato's side of the conversation.

"Umm…they're talking about Sato's travel here, un." I voice to Zetsu as closely read Sato's mouth but due to the sheer size of his mustache, it proved difficult and I became frustrated when most words he spoke I wasn't sure were real or just gibberish.

"Err…now Sato is saying…something about kittens in dresses, un?" I guess aloud and I could basically feel Zetsu's confused gaze upon me at my bullshitted assumption. "No wait; he's saying something about a 'shipment'."

"A shipment of kittens wearing dresses?" Zetsu comments and I slightly blush in slight humiliation though ignore her as I continue to focus intensely on the men, finding Sato had ceased speaking and by the look on his face, he was instead listening to Tanaka though about what I was unsure. Hopefully it was about that mysterious 'shipment'. Suddenly, the ANBU leader's face becomes distressed and I frown in concern. Well that didn't look too encouraging.

"What are they saying now?" Zetsu presses but I quickly shush her, an action she surprisingly doesn't hit me for, and I stare at Sato as he continues to listen to Tanaka with that dumbfounded look on his face until a few seconds later, he nods and what he said next made my stomach drop.

"You've gotta be kidding me, un." I groan and drop my head against the ground, pounding my fist into the dirt. This can't be real! This had to be an illusion, or Hell. Yes, somehow in the last two days, I died and have been in Hell this entire time and Zetsu and this mission had only been tortures constructed by the devil himself to make me absolutely miserable. That had to be it. That was the only believable explanation to these last few events that occurred. I wouldn't be surprised if Sasori-Danna magically appeared in front of me either.

"**What? What is it?"** Zetsu demands and I sigh out before leaning up into a sitting position, not meeting her eyes as I stare at the valley below to find Tanaka and Sato shaking hands again, obviously as a goodbye.

"The shipment won't arrive for two more days, un." I say and wedge a hand under my headband as I wipe my forehead clean of sweat that had been soaking the fabric.

"I see…" Zetsu falls quiet for a moment, as though thinking but before speaking up again. "Then we'll have to wait for two days more until we can conclude this mission."

I glower at her through her massive flytrap. "No! Absolutely not! I refuse to stay out here for two more days without food or sleep, un!" I exclaim and stand up. "Can't we just assume this 'shipment' are the steroids and call it a day, un?"

Since I met up with Zetsu yesterday, the venus flytrap finally groans open and reveals the cannibal within as she returns my earlier glare with a dirty look of her own. "No. For all we know this shipment might not be. We have no evidence they are the steroids and our primary objective of this mission was to confirm the exchange of illegal Soldier Pills between Tanaka and Sato. We can not end this mission until that objective is complete."

"Are you kidding me, un?" I scoff and throw my arms over my head in a dramatic gesture in an attempt to express my current emotions. "What the hell else would an ANBU captain from Takigakure go to the Land of Grass and meet up with a drug lord get?"

Zetsu shrugs. "I don't know.** Maybe a shipment of kittens in dresses?" **

I snarl at her wise crack and stare at the ground as I paced back and forth, desperately trying to think of a solution to this so I wouldn't have to stay out here for another two days, bathing in my own filth and slowly dying from starvation and sleep deprivation. There had to be a way to either prove to Zetsu that they were indeed meeting for the enhancement and no other possible reason. Or, I could just kill them both. I know Zetsu made it clear we were not to murder these men but why wait to catch them red-handed when you could just eradicate them both before there is a problem to be created? Sato's motives were obvious and if he came to Tanaka, it meant he was in need of another supply of steroids so if we just killed him off, his dear ANBU couldn't get their fix, and might as well kill off Tanaka too so he didn't decide to sample his own product. Plus as an added bonus, Sir Leader wouldn't have to bother with sending in another team to finish them off so we were killing two birds with one stone.

I glance back at Zetsu who had retreated back into her shell and had obviously blown me off completely, meaning she wasn't watching me and couldn't stop me if I decide to take care of things myself. I lift up my cloak and silently unzip my clay pouch I had snuck along with me, sliding my hand inside and allowing the mouth upon it to gorge itself on the smooth, earthy marital as it gobbled it up and chewed on it happily. I glanced over my shoulder to ensure Zetsu was paying no mind to me as my mouth finished crafting the clay and spat out four individual spiders into my palm.

I quietly place them upon the ground and activate them, each of the creations coming to life with a small pop and quickly scarpering off toward their targets. With the spiders on the move, I turn around and walk back toward my spot beside Zetsu, sitting back down and crossing my legs as I stared over the edge and down below to find that despite the fact there would be no business to be had, Tanaka and Sato were still chatting. Perfect.

"Finished with your little temper tantrum?" Zetsu muses though I brush her off as I instead study the crowd down below, the ANBU primarily to guarantee they wouldn't notice the spiders as they scaled down a different section of the cliff to reach the valley below. The two men continued their conversation and I held my breath as I silently urged my art to hurry before the men decided to bid each other farewell and part ways before I had a chance to rid of them both.

I search the grass around their feet for any sign of the little bugs but before I was able to spot them anywhere nearby, I notice Sato begin to walk away with his squad following behind. Damn it no!

"Hopefully, your…assumptions are right and Sato will return to two days. If not, we'll probably have to wait until the end of the week until we can conclude this mission based on whether or not he does reappear." Zetsu suddenly declares and I can't help but growl in the back of my throat at the dreaded thought but my dismay is quickly transformed into ease as I spot the soft white texture of my spiders as they dart stealthy through the grass, splitting into two groups as three of the original four dash after Sato and the ANBU and the last at Tanaka who was heading back into his house.

"Like hell that is going to happen, un." I mumble to myself though don't bother to lower my voice so Zetsu did not hear and I pose my hands together in the correct handsign as the spiders finally get into position as the three circle around the ANBU's feet and the lone one climbs up Tanaka's back, the man detecting the fake insect as he reaches his arm behind him where the spider was but it scurries away from the elusive hand as it instead latches onto the back of his head.

"Wha-?" Zetsu begins to question though she in unable to finish or even have time to stop me as I detonate the spiders with a cheer of 'Katsu', the small clay bombs erupting into a violent explosion despite their size. Tanaka's head bursts into a bloody shower of brain matter and his decapitated body plummets to the ground while the other spiders manage to take out two ANBU but fail to kill Sato as instead his leg is blown clean off his body, while potentially fatal, it didn't kill him.

"**WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?" **Zetsu screeches in my ear but I tune out her perturbed voice as I chuckle maliciously while watching the remaining ANBU scramble for their captain and drag him across the ground, his blood staining the grass in a crimson line behind him and his screams loud enough you could even hear them loud and clear from our position upon the cliff. A few of the ANBU break away from their teammates assisting their fallen leader and spread out with weapons drawn, obviously searching for the culprit behind the attack.

Suddenly, my hair is snatched a hold of and used to yank my head backwards so I was face to face with Zetsu as she bore her razored canines and her missized eyes pierced into my own. **"DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU JUST DID?"** The almost masculine voice of her black half thundered in my ear, causing me to flinch slightly though I just smirk towards the fuming woman.

"I just saved us a week more of this damned mission, un." I report contently but it does little to smother my partner's animosity.

"**YOU JUST RUINED THIS MISSION IS WHAT YOU DID!" **Zetsu continues to scream but I just give a tired shrug, not caring whether or not I ruined the mission. I finished it and that's all that mattered to me since it meant I could head back to base for a nice meal and hot bath then sleep the rest of the day away.

At my nonchalant reply, Zetsu snarls viciously and opens her posed jowls to most likely snap at me again but she is unable to do so as voices speak up relatively nearby followed by the sound of footsteps stomping through the loss flooring of the forest. Looks like our friends found us. Zetsu releases me, the odd angle she had been holding me causing me to fall backwards onto my back with a groan as my bruised spine throbs from the impact.

"We have to go, **now!"** The woman commands and doesn't even bother to wait up for me as she dissolves back into the ground, leaving me alone to defend for myself. The bitch!

I scramble to my feet and take off into a run into the forest, hearing the faint calls of the soldiers behind me as they called to one and other of my presence and current position. I had to get out of here fast. While I could contend with them all at once, I probably wouldn't be able to defend myself for long and being captured was not an opinion.

I dive my hand in my pouch and the mouth quickly swallows down a chunk of clay, chewing the substance hastily as I leap over stumps and weave around in an attempt in vain to shake off my pursuers but due to the nonexistent forest, there was no cover for me to duck behind. As I ran, I heard the shouts behind me nearing and suddenly a kunai whirled past my ear, nicking it in the progress. Taking the chance and glancing behind me to find the ANBU had caught up to me and were trailing behind me though quickly gaining ground. There were only six, though alone it would still be suicide to compete with them if I wished to escape instead.

The hand finishes up with the clay and I contort my body backwards to face the high-level shinobi, tossing four bird bombs at them and detonating them before they had a chance to dodge, sending four of the original six flying backwards but the remaining two charged through the raining debris and started to form rapid, identical handsigns, their cheeks swelling before they both recoiled their head then exhaled a thick fog of poison at me.

I immediately shield my nose and mouth with the collar of my cloak to avoid inhaling the toxic fumes and retrieve more clay as I continued to flee my way out of the destroyed forest. The ANBU continued to expel a steady stream of poison into the air behind me, causing the surrounding air to acquire a purpleish tint to it as it was replaced with the fatal vapor. Damn it, I really couldn't stay here now and try to fend them off unless I wanted to risk the chance of becoming poisoned.

I crush the clay spiders I had crafted in my hand and the mouth swallows the clay back down to create a bird instead to escape upon. While the mouth whipped up a means of transportation, I retrieve a kunai and flung it at one of the ANBU behind me, not really attempting to strike them but rather just trying to buy myself some time though I didn't have much as I felt my lungs already beginning to ache as I desperately held my breath in. The two easily dodged my knives and the prepared another jutsu, this time both of them spitting out a long stream of green liquid at me that I dodged away from but as it landed on the dirt floor, it melted right through the earth revealing it to be acid. The stakes just got higher, great.

My hand finally finishes with the bird and I toss another knife at my pursues to distract them momentarily as I activate the oversized hawk, wasting no time to broad it and command it to take flight as it thrusts itself into the sky, but not before the two asshole ANBU decide to try their spitting trick. Due to having my back foolishly turned to them, I failed to notice their last resort as they sprayed more acid at my retreating bird, which revealed to possess an impressive range as even being twenty feet in the air, the acid still managed to make contact with the bird and melted off its left leg, some of the liquid splashing me also and I hiss in pain as the fluid drenches my hand, searing the skin clean off and exposing the sensitive muscle beneath. Fuck!

I glance back at the vanishing ANBU upon the ground as the bird scaled higher and higher into the clouds to reach a safe distance and despite the fact I knew they couldn't see it, I flipped them off with my good hand with a sneer before concentrating on steering the bird homebound toward the base. With my ride correctly directed toward the hideout, I snatched up the chance to acquire some desperately needed sleep and spread myself out across the smooth clay of the fowl, passing out the moment my eyes shut.

…

By mid-evening our destination was reached and the bird gave me a hard buck, rousing me out of my sudden coma. I rub the sleepiness from my eyes and slid off the artwork's back, forming a handsign and the bird erupts into an explosion of smoke as it reverts to its original, deadened form which I scoop up and crush in my hand back into a shapeless lump of clay before dumping it back in my pouch with the rest.

As I approached the boulder shielding the door, I wondered if I should check in with Sir Leader. Knowing Zetsu, she most likely tattled on me and maybe even went as far as telling him I was probably dead and I didn't feel like being 'dead' at the moment. Hopefully, Zetsu had taken most of the heat for our failure, or success as I saw it anyway, and the man would only send me off with a slap on the wrist. Hopefully.

I entered the relatively quiet base and headed straight toward Sir Leader's office, knocking on the newly repaired door with my good hand and calmly awaiting an answer from the inside.

"Enter." The ginger commands from the other side and I open the door, stepping inside and closing it behind me, surprised when the other man didn't outright start yelling me the moment I set foot before him. He didn't acknowledge me really either as he continued to work upon the paperwork set out in front of him, exactly like that fateful day I was cursed with Zetsu.

"Ah, Deidara, it is nice to see you. Considering what Zetsu told me, we both assumed your death." Sir Leader states and places down his rather expensive pen as he gazes at me eerily calmly and folds his hands upon his desk. "But considering this substantial failure, your death would have been preferred." I slightly wince from that blow though it appeared to be the extent of his 'rage'. Looks like Zetsu softened him up from me.

"It wasn't my fault, Sir." I claim. "It was Zetsu's, un. She…she's fucking crazy!" I point at the closed door to gesture toward the woman herself. "She tried to kill me, and refused me sleep or food and she even attempted to rape me, un!" I exclaim the redhead raises an eyebrow, probably from the 'rape' comment that though not completely true, still technically happened with that 'manhandling' minion of hers.

"Well…considering the duties of a person in Zetsu's position, those factors are completely acceptable and seeing as you are now her partner, you are to follow those procedures also." Sir Leader replies and I could only roll my eyes at that since like I had said before, I was not a fucking spy! "But considering this alleged 'rape', I suggest you speak with Kakuzu over any damages and ask Zetsu not to attempt such an act again. You are dismissed."

I gape at the man's totally disregard toward my issues with the woman. I mean, I tell him she tried to rape me and he basically tells me to suck it up. Nope, no, I refuse to suffer this any longer!

"No!" I bark, stomping my foot in a rather girly gesture but could care less at the moment. "I will not talk to Zetsu about anything, un! I can't believe I'm saying this but I want Tobi back! I'll stop complaining about him being my partner if you just make him my partner again!"

"As nice as that is, I'm sorry to inform you but Tobi is currently away on a solo mission and will not return for an undetermined period of time." Sir Leader explains and I could feel my jaw hit the ground. Are you…KIDDING ME? What the hell could Tobi be doing that required him to be away like this? On fucking vacation to the damned zoo?

"Now if you will." Sir Leader picks his pen back up and due to the situation, we had nothing more to discuss and like our argument before, I left, defeated and hopeless with my outcome. I stopped by Kakuzu's room to have my burnt hand tended to before leaving to Zetsu's room and unfortunately it appeared mine for an undefined amount of time until Tobi returned from wherever the fuck he went.

I unlock the door with the code and tug open the door, stepping inside but as I did, I was unable to react as a senbon suddenly flew out and burrowed itself into the side of my neck, somehow missing anything vital. I gasp in pain as I reach for the needle and rip it carelessly out, tossing it to the ground and cradling my bleeding neck. I turn my attention to the source of the unprovoked attack to find Zetsu sitting quietly in her chair, turned toward me and a matching set of senbons extending from between her fingers.

"What the…hell?" My yell dissolved into a gasp as my body suddenly sagged toward the ground, my knees melting into jelly as well the rest of my other muscles as I slid down the iron door, no longer being able to stand or even try as my muscles refused to reply. Damnit…she drugged me. She fucking drugged me!

Zetsu places any the extra needles and gets up from her chair, walking toward me and grabbing my arm, tossing it over her shoulders and using it to hold up my nonresponsive body as she guides me toward the bed, carefully positioning me upon it so I rested in the middle of it in a sprawled position. Oh god, was she planning to seriously rape me this time?

She withdraws a kunai from her ankle and crawls onto me, straddling me as she used my pelvis as a seat and I attempted to recoil though my deadened muscles did nothing. Oh, god, she was going to rape me!

"**Do not allow those teenager hormones to form fantasies in that tiny brain of yours about what I plan to do to you.** As I said, I would never stoop to such a level to sleep with you." She teases the tip of the knife with her fingers as her missized eyes observe me uncomfortable closely. "I merely want to talk and seeing as you are most likely to rebel to what I am to say, I decided to sedate you to make things easier for the both of us. **Nothing fatal, as long as you comply."**

I growl though due to the drugs now circulating within my system, it came out a straight breath. "The hell could you possibly want to talk about that would require you to drug me, un?"

She shrugs. "It's nothing much, I just think there are too be some guidelines set if either of us expect this partnership to succeed and there are to be no more failures. If you will be nice enough to listen."

I release a sharp laugh but it escapes as a hoarse cough. "Ha. Nothing you say could save our 'partnership' so no, I would not be nice enough to listen, un."

Zetsu does not immediately reply as she merely stares at me, her face conveying no sign of what she was currently thinking until a few moments later when she finally spoke up. **"You know what I like most about this seductive?** It completely paralyzes the muscles but leaves the sensatory nerves," She takes the kunai she had been wielding and slashes it at my bicep, slicing into it with a clean cut and causing me to gasp slightly. **"Completely untouched."**She then grabs my hand and holds it up as she places the very tip of the knife under my thumb nail, making my eyes widen as she far as they could as I stare at my hand currently being held hostage then back to her to find her expression, or lack of one, had not changed. "Now, will you listen?"

I release another gasping growl but obey as I do not say anything else and glare foully towards her.

She nods. "Good. Now, rule number one. You are to obey every and all orders I pronounce. **Example, if I tell you **_**not **_**to sleep on the job, you are not by any circumstances or you will face the punishment I find fitting."**

"No way! I'm not your damn slave you can just boss around as you please, un!" I exclaim and the woman does not reply audible to my refusal though I soon find out why as she jams the knife tip under my nail, causing me to gasp out in pain before growling towards her as I fought off the searing pain.

"Would you like to repeat that?" She asks calmly as she innocently tilts her head towards me and I growl again.

"Bitch."

"**I thought so. Speaking of punishments.** Rule number two. All of your actions will be judged by me, whether they be positive of negative. Positive actions will be rewarded while negative actions will be met with a punishment fit to that action. The punishments will extend from scolding to torture."

If my muscles weren't so dead, I would have frowned as I stare at her, astounded. "Torture? Are you serious, un? Then what the hell do I get if I'm good?" I demand but I am met with a shrug.

"I do not know, I did not plan any rewards seeing as you will never be what I consider as 'appropriate'" She comments and I growl once more but make no farther sounds as I fall quiet so she would just get the rest of the rules out and over with.

"Rule number three. Our partnership is just that, a partnership, and I do not mean in a relationship standing. You are not to make any inappropriate advances toward me, touch me, or expect me to put out for you, and I will not do the same to you, agree?"

I snort. "Like I would ever want to do anything with someone…_something_, like you, un." I say but soon regret it as she stabs me again, this time I actually feeling my nail beginning to tear free of my flesh as she digs the knife into the tender nerves beneath and blood springs free.

"Rule number four and the final rule. Despite us being partners, at any time you compromise a mission or fall in battle**, I will not hesitate to leave you to your death**. Do you understand all I have told you?"

I huff irritably but swallow down a hunk of my pride as I mutter or a contrived 'yes'.

Zetsu accepts my agreement with a nod and removes the kunai from my finger; bringing it up to her lips and suckling off the blood that adorned the blade, making me gag and direct my eyes away to avoid the disgusting sight.

"Your blood is very heavy, though sweet at the same time. **Definitely a luscious taste."** The woman purrs quietly and I snort before glancing back at her.

"Good for you, now give me the damn antidote and let me up, un!" I snap and the woman glances at me from the corner of her human eye before finishing with her mini-make out session with the dark grey blade.

"About that." She places the clean kunai away. "There is no antidote, but the serum should wear off in…two hours." My eyes widen as she climbs off me and I struggle against my dopey muscle as the woman makes her way toward the door, her hips visibly weaving back and forth tauntingly towards me with each step. She stops in front of the still cracked door and throws me a sly look over her pale shoulder. _**"Have fun, Deidara."**_ She hums with a wink before sliding out of the room and closing the door behind her, it relocking automatically.

I battle against the muscle relaxant so to pursue the devious woman but no matter how hard I tried, my muscles refused to cooperate and after several minutes I finally gave in, using the last of my dwindling strength to draw air into my lungs.

"**ZETSU!" **

…

**AN: -collapses- This is by far the longest chapter/part I have EVER written. 20 pages and 10,000+ words. Damn. Sorry if things get repeated or reused but with something this big it's hard not to. Also, still no beta so no spell check either so excuse any mistakes also, please.  
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**Anyway, I love everyone who alerted and favourited this story and it would make me even happier if all of those beautiful people would leave a comment, whether it be a critique (which I would prefer) or a simple review. Please, I WANT TO HEAR YOU! **

**THANK YOU AND PLEASE REVIEW! **


	3. Take Me On

**AN: Wow, I can not believe the support behind this story. This story actually has more alerts than my last three stories and it flatters me greatly because I was sure this was going to crash and burn considering how much people hate genderbends and the fact I think this might be the first story on the sight with a fem!Zetsu. So thank you everyone and your support that got us to the third chapter. This is for all of you. **

**Enjoy**

…

Sometime during my drugged state, I had managed to drift off to sleep and when I awoke the next morning (I presumed), I had somehow tumbled off the bed and was laying awkwardly with my upper body against the ground while my legs remained on the bed. I blink my eyes open tiredly and yawn deeply as I swing my legs off the mattress and lay flatly upon my back so not to agitate my aching spine from the night in the unnatural position. Oh, looks like I could move again. Joy.

I remain in the soothing position for several minutes to dull the throbbing within my back before deciding to sit up, not wanting to accidently fall back asleep and on the floor this time. I glance at my hand to find it crushed with blood and probe my thumbnail carefully but flinch away when the nail lifted upward to expose the sensitive muscle beneath. Looks like I had no use of this thumb for awhile along with my hand, even better.

After a few moments more, I finally force myself to my feet and stretch out my twisted muscles and correct my skeleton with several cracks of various bones. As I woke my still drowsy body, I noticed the bed was no longer empty as Zetsu lay tucked under the crimson covers, silently sleeping away. Looks like the bitch shoved me off so she could sleep. The least she could do was wake me up and ask me to move but knowing her, that would be too much to ask. Hmph.

I debated whether or not I should shove her out of the bed like she had done to me but decided against it, wanting to get her back properly for yesterday's traumatizing chain of events. Now I just needed to think of how to do that, but first, a shower and breakfast to get the juices flowing since I had gone a two days without both.

I make my way into the bathroom and close the door behind me, locking it for extra precaution before switching on the shower and undressing completely from my clothing from yesterday as I awaited it to heat up. After the water was a comfortable temperature, I step inside and stand directly beneath the spray of water, sighing from the hotness as it soothed my sore body.

After taking some time to enjoy the water, I reach for my posh shampoo and pop open the cap, lifting the gold bottle over my head as I squeezed a generous amount onto my watered down locks. But as I did, I got an unpleasant surprise in the form of an intense burning that caused my scalp to erupt into a fury of pain.

I yelp out from the feeling and drop the bottle as I ducked back under the spray to smother the burning but the movement was too sudden and my foot ended up skidded against the bottom of the tub, causing my body to pivot backwards as I tumble out of the shower and onto the floor with a nasty thud as my head smacks against the tilted floor. I groan out and crawl across the ground in a blind pain before reaching the toilet and using it to lift myself to my feet, slightly dazed from my fall. That bitch! She sabotaged my shampoo like I had done to hers! My poor, expensive shampoo, ruined! That bitch. That bitch!

I had to take a moment to recover from my tumble before I ducked back into the shower, desperately washing the toxic substance that remained in my hair. It took at least a half-an-hour of washing until my head stopped hurting from the combination of chemicals and the concussion and I turned off the water, snatching up my towel that hung with Zetsu's and Tobi's and using it to ring my hair out before wrapping it around my waist as I stepped out. I stood in front of the mirror located over the sink and checked myself to ensure no visible damage had been done except for the nasty knob now upon my skull. After that inspection I focus on my tortured thumb as I retrieve a pair of nail clippers from the medicine cabinet from behind the mirror and a nearby towel resting upon the counter. I ball the towel up and bite down onto it to prevent myself from breaking my own teeth as I clamp the clippers securely onto the wiggly nail. I take a moment before inhaling deeply and holding the breath as I tore the nail completely off, crying out harshly in the towel that muffled my scream. I drop the bloody nail on the counter top and spit out the towel as I pain heavily from the searing pain. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Why was it the small things were always the fucking worse? I lost both my arms and it didn't hurt nearly as much as this!

It took me several minutes to recover before I was able to ignore the pain enough to retrieve some medical supplies from the cabinet and use them to carefully splint and patch up my raw thumb before using the rest to rewrap my scorned hand. Once that was finished, I cleaned up and popped a few pain pills for my numerous pains before leaving the bathroom to retrieve fresh clothing, decided Zetsu could pick up my clothing if it bothered her to have it on the floor.

As I retrieve a new pair of pants, I couldn't help but notice that despite my 'issue' in the bathroom, Zetsu continued to soundly sleep away, completely unbothered by my antics. Hmph, I wonder if she would sleep so well if I decided to pour chemicals upon her, or maybe drug her and bind her to the bed as I individually plucked off her nails, one by one, then left her to bleed out as she starved and withered away in her own filth. Not because I really wanted to, but rather because that was what she had done to me within the three or four days we had been partners so it only seemed fair is all.

While I buttoned my jeans, I seriously debated if I should do just that. I had all the components I required and Zetsu was currently oblivious of my actions, it would be so, so easy. But atlas, I chose not to, not exactly sure why, and I instead left the room, allowing Zetsu to resume her peaceful slumber unhindered as I left toward the kitchen for a well needed meal. When I entered the kitchen, I took the time to steal a glance at the clock hanging in the living room across the way to find it to be four in the morning. Definitely explained why Konan wasn't in the kitchen making breakfast and the rest of the Akatsuki was still asleep.

I dg through the cabinets and quietly retrieve a pan that I place on the stove which I switch on before walking over to the fridge and throwing open the door as I grab the components of my breakfast including eggs, bread, butter, and jam before shutting the door with foot and laying the items out of the corner. I checked the pan for how hot it was after a few minutes, finding it satisfactory and reaching for the butter, unwrapping it and digging out a knife as I slice a few slivers of butter and dump them in the hot pan, they giving angry sizzles as them melted rapidly into a yellow liquid and lubed up the pan. I grabbed three eggs but due to the inability to basically use my hands, it took me a few moments to figure out how to break them open without dropping them onto the floor like a ditz. As the eggs cooked, I popped a few slices of bread in the toaster and placed away the rest of the break and egg carton. Man, the others were gonna love me when they woke up and the base smelt like someone has a pot of beans before they went to sleep.

I leant over the pan as I awaited the eggs to finish and as I did, I made the mistake of laying my burned hand alongside it. The eggs gave a cough and a splash of boiling butter sprung up from the pan, landing directly upon my bandaged hand and seeping through the cotton wrapping to my tender muscle underneath. I hiss loudly and jerk my hand away due to the sharp pain, shaking it to cease the pain before observing my hand to find the bandages were stained with the fatty substance. Damn it, this was just not turning out to be my morning, wasn't it?

I finished my breakfast, making sure to keep my bad hand mostly clear out of the splash zone during so, and grab some plates which I dumped my food onto before sitting down and quickly eating, tending to my empty stomach from the lack of food for the last two or three days, and all because of my dear partner. Speaking of which, I had to conjure up a way to get her back, something that would show her I wouldn't allow her to simply think she could own me without some complications. Obviously, the shampoo thing was a hit and miss, but I had to come up with something better that couldn't be turned on me so easily.

I swallowed down my breakfast within fifteen minutes and during that time was unable to come up with an accurate comeback for the devilish woman, making me sigh from my lack of imagination as I dumped my dishes in the sink for someone else to clean later. Looks like I would have to request Hidan for his help about this since that man was the king of pranks and methods of revenge and would no doubt know an acceptable way to help me get Zetsu back for her cruelty with some cruelty of our own.

I return to the room and found Zetsu still sound asleep as I stepped inside the darkened room, the screeching of the door doing little to bother her. Oh how easy it still was to carry out my prior plans upon her while she was so oblivious to it all, but like I said before, I wanted it to be something more worthwhile. If I found nothing to do, even with Hidan's conniving plots, then I would resort to repeating what she had done to me, but only if she was still asleep since I doubted since would allow me to get away with anything while she was conscious and capable of stopping me.

I walk across the room quietly so not to disturb the sleeping woman and head toward the bathroom to rewrap my hand since I'd rather not contract an injection from the pan grease. I opened the door and switched on the light but as I did, I was met with a horrid scene that caused me to stop dead in my tracks. My clothes that I had left on the bathroom floor only a little while ago now lay in shreds, having been torn to pieces. My shirts, my pants, even my fucking boxers now lay in a pile of tatters. The only thing that had been spared was my cloak that was now hung neatly from the corner of the door, untouched. How did…did she…but is was…

It took me a few moments to recover from my shock and when I did, I balled my injuried hands into fists, ignoring the pain from the action, and snarling loudly to the pain I was practically screaming through my teeth. I spin on my heel and stomp out of the bathroom back into the bedroom and pause next to the bed, where Zetsu lay sleeping, unknowing of my provoked rage. I grab onto the thick blankets covering her and rip them off, succeeding in completely uncovering her to the cool air of the room. As I did this, I noticed, to my disgust, Zetsu was only dressed in a grey muscle shirt and pair of light purple underwear and glanced away before I had the chance to get sick from the sight of the overexposed, black and white flesh.

With her warmth removed, Zetsu grunts quietly in her drowsy state and extends her arm from its position folded at her chest to probe her hip in search from the elusive blanketing. When she was unable to find it, she sighs and her eyes finally open, they glowing eerily in the semi-dark room like a cat's.

"Is there something wrong, Deidara?" The woman questions far too innocently and I growl at her, my teeth nearly cracking under the pressure I had them clenched in.

I toss the red covering to the floor and point an accusing finger at her. "You…how dare you destroy my stuff, un!" I snarl but the female does not blink an eye at my enraged state and even after a few moments of staring at me, has the nerve to shrug.

**"Perhaps you should clean after yourself.** Was that not a rule I set?"

I inhale deeply through my teeth, before exhaling slowly to prevent myself from pouncing her and just strangling her in my blind rage. "No…you fucking didn't, un." I hiss out and she gives a thoughtful look toward a random corner of the room.

"Then maybe it should be. Rule five; you are to clean the messes you make. If not, either I will force you to do so or if your own possessions are involved, I will destroy them, regardless if they are valuable or not." She proclaims and I can't help but snort.

"That's a bullshit rule, un." I retort.

Zetsu nods carelessly toward my declaration. "**Yes it is.** Now, if you will." She gestures at the blood red blanketing that lay in a crumpled heap beside me but I make no move to acknowledge her request. Instead, I scowl at her.

"Do it yourself, bitch." I snarl and stomp away to the door, shoving it open and slamming it behind me so hard I managed to crack the surrounding foundation. I charged down the hallway toward the rooms at the end of it and stopped in front of the closed door that sat to the left of the door leading to Sir Leader's office. Uncaring it was still early in the morning; I pound my fist upon the wooden slab as loudly and hard as possible and impatiently await an answer from the occupiers on the other side. After several moments of nearly breaking my mostly uninjured hand on the door, it finally is swung open and Hidan stands in the doorway, appearing to have just scrambled out of bed as his normally slicked back hair lay messily upon his head and his sweat pants incorrectly pulled on as the back pockets were in the front.

He heaves in deeply and releases the breath out slowly as he spoke in a sluggish, low voice. "The fuck…do you want?"

"I need help, un." I state, cringing inwardly as my pride slightly whittled away once those words escaped my lips. I was not one to ask for help, and especially not from Hidan of all people.

"Couldn't it have fucking waited until fucking breakfast?" The albino snaps and lazily brushes his bangs from his face only to have them fall back into place. I shake my head and he scowls.

"Well fucking forget it. Ask again when it ain't fucking three in the morning!" He reaches to slam the door in my face but I quickly hold my hand up to stop it, wincing in pain when it was my burned hand I used but I shook it off.

"I need help with a revenge, un." I persist, and like I suspected, the older man ceases in his attempt at shutting the door upon my defenseless hand as he raises a sliver eyebrow toward me, visibly interested now.

"Revenge, you say?" He inquires, a grin pulling at his pale lips. "On who? Lollipop face? Pink eye?"

"Zetsu."

The quickly forming grin sags into a deep frown as the zealot gives me a highly confused look. "Plant bitch? The fuck did she do to make ya want to fucking get back at her?"

I cross my arms over my chest and shrug, avoiding eye contact as I glance around at the cracks in the stone flooring. "Long story short, I got stuck with her as my new partner and now she thinks she owns me and can destroy my stuff so I want to show her otherwise, un."

Despite the fact people were still sleeping, Hidan releases an echoing bark of laughter at my embarrassing situation and I could hear a grunt from behind him, obviously being Kakuzu. "New_ partner_?" He gasps. "The fuck did you do to get hooked up with her bitch ass?"

"Are you gonna help me or not, un?" I demand as I glowered at him, wanting to put an end to the man's mockery of my misery despite the fact that was all he did.

Hidan waves a hand in front of his face. "Fine, fine. I'll fucking help ya. I got some things that are sure to put her damned panties in a bunch. Come back in a fucking hour and we'll set up the shit needed."

I nod and turn to leave but Hidan stops me after only a few steps away. "Oh, and Blondie?" I frown and gaze over my shoulder at him to find his still standing at the door.

"The next time ya need my help, don't fucking ask for it before I've had my damned coffee!" And with that, he slams the down closed. I snort at the rude-mattered man and continued my way down the hallway. Now that I had Hidan on my side, things were definitely about to get interesting. Zetsu had no idea what was in store for her.

…

A few hours later, everyone was awoken for breakfast and I silently crept out of my shared room with Zetsu to attend the meal with everyone else, having just spent the last hour or so setting up the prank Hidan had conceived up by booby trapping our room with the components he gave me, all while trying my hardest not to awake Zetsu whom had gone back to sleep after our confrontation. Unfortunately, the man refused to tell me what these traps would lead to though, not wanting to ruin the 'surprise', but by what he had me do, it definitely was something to see and I was only left to guess until it actually went into play. Something I was most eager for.

I approached the table where everyone had already taken a seat and was eating, and scoped out the only free seat which happened to be right next to Hidan. I sat down beside him and immediately started eating from the plate that had been set out for the spot that contained a decent amount of all the breakfast food Konan had cooked up. After a few moments, I feel something poke my ribs and glance up from my food to see Hidan staring at me from the corner of his eye.

"You get the shit ready?" He whispers in a hushed voice, and I give him a curt nod, a gesture he returns. "Good, got my half done too. Now, we just have to fucking wait for the damned mouse to take the fucking cheese."

I nod again and return to eating while occasionally glancing away toward the hallway, awaiting for the door to open and Zetsu come out to retrieve her morning coffee like she did everyday during breakfast since I had joined this damned organization. My waiting paid off thankfully as about five minutes later, the door to our room opened and Zetsu came walking out, looking shaggy and unkempt, meaning she had just awoken and hadn't decided to shower which would have no doubt sabotaged the trap set up in the bathroom.

She shuffles into the kitchen, sparing me a fearsome glare on the way to the sink which I did not hesitate to return with an equal amount of animosity until she looked away after a few moments to retrieve her personal mug from the cabinet above the counter. As she did this, Hidan suddenly snorted in a muffled laughter and I glance at him for a moment before I look back at Zetsu, curious what he could possibly being snickering at. Was it her? Was it her cup?

For the first time I actually paid mind to the little things as I observed the coffee cup which was notably lumpy and poorly shaped, obviously handmade than store bought probably being crafted for her by Tobi, and had an even more poorly painted black-and-white cat on the front of it. I could see what would be so amusing about it. Immediately after, I realized it had been made with my clay by the dull whiteness of it and growled inwardly. Tobi. That little shit broke into my clay stash! When he got back, I was gonna ring his neck for touching my clay for his stupid art projects!

The cannibal fills the tacky cup with pure black coffee from the coffee pot and turns away to make her way back to our room, again glaring at me on her way out until she entered the hallway and shifted her gaze away. I snort at the woman's retreating back and return to my food, only to have Hidan poke me again, causing me to look up at him to find his grinning widely.

"The mouse took the motherfucking cheese and now is gonna have its neck broke by the trap." He says and goes back to his meal though while still smiling, leaving me curious as to what he meant by 'the cheese'. Had he laced the coffee? No, he couldn't have without the others getting sick also. Must have been her cup then. It would explain why he had been giggling. Now with realizing this, I had a better idea of what this whole plot would amount to and why he had me sabotage the bathroom but I will unsure. Guess I would have to indeed wait for Zetsu to enter the 'trap' and have her neck broken like Hidan had phrased it. Wait…was he planning to kill her? Because if he was, I was all for it.

I anticipated the results of the payback eagerly and found myself staring down the hallway, awaiting for our door to open, rather than eating, which succeeded in making time almost slow to stop and I forced myself to concentrate on my plate so time didn't feel so prolonged. Beside me, Hidan continued to snicker and it only managed to make me feel more anxious to the point it was nearly unbearable. What was taking so long? Had Zetsu somehow avoided the trap? Had she discovered it, or hadn't even stepped foot into the bathroom because Hidan's half of the prank failed? Or…?

I was so deep into my own mind I failed to hear the thick metal door open and Zetsu exit until my thoughts were shattered by Konan's sudden gasp of utter horror and the other's following gasps. I glance up from my plate and as I did, I nearly spat out the scrambled eggs I had been chewing all over Hidan, who was currently howling in laughter from the horrendous sight presented before us.

There stood Zetsu, after obviously successfully stepping into our trap, a complete wreck and I was surprised she really hadn't died from how she appeared. The white side of her two-toned face was a deep red, but not from a blush emitted by embarrassment, but rather from the fresh blood that was freely cascaded down from the massive gash in the side of her head. Her loose sleeping clothing, including pants she thankfully pulled on sometime after reentering the room, were drenched with what I assumed was water, meaning that half of my trap had worked, and her own blood that dripped from her head. But that wasn't what I guessed the others were so shocked about. It was the fact that along with her head being clearly broken up and her soaked to the bone; she was also dirtied with the pale grey and brown matter which could only be described as her own vomit, which was coated upon her oversized muscle shirt and somehow on her left arm and the knees of her light blue pants.

I just stared, a bit too shocked at the moment to laugh at the woman's condition from the results of Hidan's warped mind, who on the other hand, kept laughing, having fallen out of his chair and was literally rolling upon the floor as he roared with laughter. The rest of us though, could only stare in silence with Konan being the first to speak after several tense minutes.

"Oh my god…Zetsu, what happened?" The fellow woman gasps with a hand covering her mouth in shock, her motherly instinct noticeably kicking in at the sight of one of her 'children' in such a repugnant appearance.

Zetsu inhales loudly before exhaling it out in a slow, drawn out breath. "Well," She begins, wiping a streak of stray vomit from the corner of her mouth with the back of her hand. "After retrieving my coffee, I returned to my room to drink it before training like I do every morning. However, a few sips in, I suddenly felt extremely ill with the need to vomit and ran to the bathroom to do so only to find upon entering the bathroom that _someone,"_ She pauses to glare at me since it had obviously been me seeing as no one else could gain access to the room beside Zetsu, myself, and Tobi. "Had slicked the floor with some type of lubrication which caused me to lose my balance upon contact and fall, bashing my head open on the corner of the counter on the way down," She pauses again and points at her head while turning it, revealing the full extent of the injury which extended across the entire length of the side of her head and was at least an inch in both its height and deepness, surprising me we couldn't see her brain itself from the depth of it.

"Upon falling down and hitting my head, I was left dazed and unable to reach any type of basin, causing me to expel the contents of my stomach, upon myself." She pauses again, those thankfully not to point out the obvious as she instead takes after breath, presumably to calm herself. "I did manage to reach the toilet though after doing so and emptied the rest of stomach into it. _However,_ upon flushing it, the water was unable to drain causing it to overflow and flood our bathroom!_**And that, is what happened to me!"**_

There is a long moment of silence, with the exception of Hidan, after Zetsu told her story of the tragic events which had happened behind closed doors as everyone was unable to think of a way to respond. After a few moments more of this uncomfortable quiet, I suddenly found myself laughing. Not the extent of Hidan's laughter, which had caused his normally deathly pale face to turn blood red and his stomach probably to cave in on itself, but enough it broke the silence and caused everyone to stare at me. I couldn't help it. Before, looking at Zetsu hadn't really struck my funny bone since I had been still unsure at what exactly caused it, but after she actually put everything to words, it was a riot and I would have paid good money to have seen the bitch vomit at over herself after cracking her head open from falling on some melted butter on the floor.

"Deidara! Hidan!" Konan suddenly barks and I immediately cease in my cackling but Hidan fails to hear the bluette as he continued howl upon the kitchen floor, having nearly rolled his way under the table. Konan gets up from the table and quickly rushes to the petite woman's side, placing a comforting hand upon her vomit-free shoulder and guiding her down the hallway though stops to look over her shoulder.

"Kakuzu." She commands and continues walking Zetsu toward Sir Leader's office. Kakuzu snarls and stands up, tossing his napkin down with a mutter of 'can't ever fucking enjoy anything' before following Konan to the office, presumably to mend Zetsu's busted head before her brains oozed out of her skull. After they vanished into Sir Leader's office, there is an awkward cough beside us and I look over to find Kisame standing from his seat, setting down his napkin.

"Err…I just remembered I forgot to feed Samehada and she gets grumpy when I don't so…yeah." The shark man mutters out clumsy as he rubs at the back of his head, making it painfully obvious he just wanted an excuse to leave and avoid Sir Leader's assured wrath for Hidan and I's treachery against poor Zetsu. A moment later, Itachi repeats his partner's movements as he stands from the table though without an excuse as he just follows behind Kisame like a duckling follows its mother as they both retreated to their room. With Kisame and Itachi now gone, only Sir Leader, Hidan and I remained at the table and suddenly I felt the air grow heavy and uncomfortable from the fuming redhead seated at the end of the table.

I feel something bump against my chair and glance down to find Hidan had managed not to off himself with laugher though was still snickering to himself as he pulled himself back into his chair. Sir Leader glowers at the albino ferociously, clearly not amused with Hidan's continued mockery and I could practically hear the air around our heads begin to crackle from the sheer hear of the man's dojutsu. Suddenly, there is a wet breaking sound, like a watermelon shattering upon the ground, and Hidan's head rips free of his body and slams against the wall behind us, causing me to flinch and duck from the spurt of blood that sprung free from the neck of his body as it slumped to the ground.

"What. The. FUCK?" The Jashinist's decapitated head shrieks from the kitchen floor and I frowned as the man began screaming up a storm of swear words toward out leader that managed to cause my face flush with a blush from some of the words that escaped his potty mouth.

"Deidara." I cast my attention back to Sir Leader to find the ginger was standing from the seat and gesturing for me to follow him as he left the kitchen toward his office. I sighed though obeyed as I slid out my seat and carefully stepped over Hidan, earning a colourful expletive from the incapacitated male in the progress. I pursued after Sir Leader as he vanished into his office and I reached forward to grip the knob when the door opened automatically to reveal Kakuzu on the other side. The banker gifted me with a murderous glare, probably due to the fact I disrupted his breakfast because he had to piece Zetsu's skull back together, and stomps past me, his shoulder crushing so hard against mine I was nearly knocked right on my ass. I rub my throbbing shoulder and glare at the zombie's back at he storms back to the kitchen and takes his seat back at his plate, resuming his meal despite Hidan's evident yells for him to reattach his head.

I turn away from the typical scene and finally enter Sir Leader's office; the door slamming behind me by itself from the force of the other man's ringed eyes. My throat strains as I swallow thickly and I cautiously sit down in the lone chair set in front of his desk which he calmly sat behind, his elbows set on the surface of it with his hands intertwined and chin resting upon them as he quietly stared at me, causing an unwelcomed shiver to run down my spine at the sight of his violet eye's unblinking gaze toward me.

"If I were to guess it was you who was behind the little prank pulled on Zetsu, would I be correct?" Sir Leader begins, I scoffed in response. Of course it was, who the fuck else would want to do that to her? Plus, it was most obviously me also since I was the only one who could have gotten inside the room to slick the bathroom floor with butter and clog the toilet. Hell, I even used my own clay to block the thing.

Despite the fact it was pretty much self-explanatory, I decided to answer him with an uncaring shrug toward my actions. "Yes it was, un."

"And Hidan assisted you?" He persists calmly.

"Yep."

He nods, thankfully closing his disturbing eyes in the process. "I see, and if I may, why did you two conceive such a cruel trick on her?"

"Because she fucking deserved it, un!" I exclaim, uncaring I had just sworn to the leader of our organization but it didn't seem to bother the redhead anyway as he merely raises an eyebrow toward me as he gazes at me through narrowed eyes.

"How so?" He asks and I nearly screamed in frustration when realizing this was building to be the exact conversation we had had yesterday when I returned from the mission and told him about all the shit Zetsu placed me through. And if my guess was right, he was just gonna do the same thing this time too.

"Because of everything, un!" I hiss, and stand up from my seat, bracing my hands at my sides as my hands painfully ball into fists. "She starved me, left me without any sleep, tried to _kill_ me! And that was just on our mission, un. Last night she drugged me and tried to rape me _again_ then tortured me when I rejected her!" I hold up my hand as proof to show him my splinted thumb which she had poked with the kunai. "She's fucking insane! I keep trying to tell you, un! She thinks she owns me and can just do what she wants with me. I thought it was only fair I show her otherwise!"

With my rant over, I plop back into my seat and cross my arms over my chest with a huff, feeling loads better having gotten that off my chest but I prepared to rage as I predicted Sir Leader to ignore the obvious in order to defend his second-hand like I mentioned before. Seconds pass as the leader only stares at me, not speaking a word and I glanced away to avoid his unnerving eyes.

At least a minute passes before the older man finally audibly exhales, setting his hands upon his desk. "I am unaware of Zetsu's…tactics...of ensuring a successful mission or securing a partner." He mumbles and I snort. Ha, tactics! They weren't 'tactics', it was torture. Even she said so! "However, I place my trust in her and such tactics she may or may not use as she knows well as to what she is doing and because of that, I am unconcerned about what she may or may not being doing with you, but I am concerned about is what _you may_ being doing to evoke her to take such drastic measures to ensure your cooperation and well behavior."

After Sir Leader finished with his speech, I was left gaping at him in utter and complete shock. Me? He thought…_I_ was the problem and was_ provoking_ Zetsu? _Me?_ That bitch had it out for me the second she heard I was her partner! I hadn't even had the chance _to_ provoke her! He was doing it, he was fucking doing it again, defending that bitch despite the obvious fact she was a crazy ass bitch! They were probably fucking. It was the only explanation as to why he was bending over for her so much. I wonder if Konan knew he was cheating on her with Zetsu of all people?

"Setting that aside, you are to apologize to her for your actions today also and I leave her to decide the appropriate punishment for your actions again her."

This statement finally managed to cause my temper to explode as I jump to my feet, pointing a finger at him with an agitated snarl. "Now you listen here, un! I…" I was cut off though from what was probably going to be the worse tongue-lashing the man ever had in his life when the door behind him opened and Konan stepped out.

The woman spares me a surprisingly dirty look before averting her foul gaze to her lover, or supposed lover if my hunch was right and he was actually banging Zetsu. "Pein, are you finished with Deidara?" She asks quietly and I frown, honestly more afraid of what Konan had planned for me than Sir Leader and Zetsu combined since it was painfully obvious she was steamed with me.

Sir Leader nods and Konan returns the gesture before walking up to me. I open my mouth, to question her about her motives, but am unable to get a word out as a yelp escapes my mouth instead as the older woman latches her fingers onto my tender ear and uses it to drag me out of the office and into the hallway, closing the door behind us. She releases me and I quickly nurse my aching ear as I stroke the no doubt bruised area.

"I can not believe you!" Konan snaps and delivers a shift slap to the back of my head, causing me to yelp again and brace my hands upon the top of it to defend myself from another blow from the enraged woman. "How dare you do such a thing to Zetsu! She did nothing to deserve such an embarrassment!"

"Nothing?" I exclaim and keep my head shielded with my hands as I objected to the woman's claims. "She has been torturing for the last four days, un! She tried to kill me on our mission, then tried to rape me, then actually tortured me!" Konan glowers at me and flinch as she slaps me across the head again, making a faint headache begin to throb at the back of my skull.

"There is something about yourself you should know, Deidara. You're a horrible liar and _completely_ immature! For gods sake, you aren't a teenager anymore and need to act like an adult!"

"But…I'm not lying, un." I whine quietly, not as eager to defend myself against Konan as I was with Sir Leader since I knew she wasn't afraid to actually do something about it.

The bluette sighs and shakes her head. "Regardless, you can't be pulling such stunts on the others. You saw Zetsu and the consequences of what that prank of yours did to her. I'm surprised you didn't end up killing her!"

I flinch from her raised tone and cast my eyes to the ground, feeling like a child that was being scolded by their mother for nearly killing their sibling on accident and because of it I actually felt a smidge of guilt emerging within myself, I suppose because I saw Konan as the mother I never had and only she could make me feel bad about such things, including nearly murdering Zetsu.

"Sorry…" I force out in a faint whisper, feeling my pride drain away in the process and I keep my eyes glued to the rocky flooring beneath our feet. I hear Konan sigh and the next moment I find myself in the woman's arms as she cradles me against her and strokes my abused head.

"I know…but you just have to stop with such things. You aren't a child anymore and should know better." I sigh against her cloak and nod, allowing her to hug me. After a few moments of the embrace, she releases me and pokes me in the chest as she gives me a stern look, the tender moment over. "Don't think you're off the hook though. You're grounded for a month, meaning no television, no dessert, and no leaving the base except for missions. Also, you have to clean the dishes."

I gasp at the unfair punishment. "But…!" 

"No buts." Konan scolds and points over at my shoulder. "Now go. I want those dishes sparkling when you're finished."

I open my mouth to try and talk my way out of the grounding but decided there was no point and closed it as I turned away on my heel; heading down the hallway back toward the kitchen to do exactly what the woman had told me, grumbling to myself on the way about cheating leaders and bitchy partners that got away with murder.

…

An appeased sigh released from my lungs as I finally finished the morning dishes and set the last plate in the rack beside the sink to dry, feeling more accomplished with this than I had with anything for awhile considering how long it had taken me to do the simple task of washing dishes due to the fact I practically couldn't use my hands. Damn. And I considering the fact I had to do this for an entire month, three times a day, it was going to totally and completely suck and it was obvious Konan knew what she was doing when she made me do this. She was more sadist than Hidan in some ways.

I dry my hands on a nearby towel and observe them to find the still dirtied bandages on my right hand were now soaked, no doubt not good for my burns, and the lips of mouth of my other hand were red and raw from the soap and the mouth was licking at them to rid the remaining traces of the foul tasting substance, only managing to agitate them more. I sigh and leave the kitchen back to my room so to tend to my troublesome hands even though there wasn't much point since I would only have to do this again in a few hours. I entered the room and when I did, I froze in mid-step as I sighted something I truly did not want to see at the moment. Or specially a _someone._

Zetsu was seated upon the queen-sized bed, only adorning a blue and purple towel around her nude body which I was left to presume she borrowed from Konan. Her head was also bound with white gauze with a spot of rusty red blooming over the gash in her head. Despite the fact what I had done to her prior to this moment, she didn't appear remotely anger as she simply stared at me, her face blank and portraying no emotion. I avoid eye contact with her as I focused my eyes to the carpet as I made my way past her toward the bathroom. She continues not to speak and I safely past her to the door to the bathroom, opening it. However, as I did, I quickly slammed it shut and swallowed back the bile that swarmed my throat. She didn't even clean up the fucking bathroom! That was disgusting! The least she could have done was wipe up her own vomit from the damned floor! Sloppy bitch!

"If it bothers you so much, then clean it up." Zetsu finally speaks up after being silent this entire time. "**After all, that is your fault."**

I grunt at her absurd claim and turn around to find she had her back to me as she faced the door so I was unable to see her face and whether or not she was smiling from suggesting such a thing since I bet my last penny she got a kick from imagining me cleaning up_ her_ vomit. The twisted bitch.

"Fuck you. It's your puke, un. You clean it up you lazy whore." I counter crudely, completely uncaring if I pissed her off as I crossed my arms and glaring at the uncovered, mismatched flesh of her back. She does immediately reply and a smirk crossed my lips in victory as it seemed she wasn't going to fight back and allow such a comment to pass by her. Good, she had to learn I wasn't going to take shit from her and be her fucking slave. That fall of her's probably knocked some sense in that fat, thick head of hers.

However the win is short lived as the female finally does decide to speak up, not looking toward me as she did. "I heard from a little bird that you have been claiming I have…**raped you?** Not just once, but twice." She tells and I snorted when realizing immediately it had been Sir Leader considering he was the only I told this, beside Konan, and he would do doubt tell the woman he was fucking to make she was wasn't cheating on him.

I don't reply, refusing to do so to acknowledge such a lie and the woman thankfully does not nag at me as several quiet seconds pass. After a few moments more of this silence passes, Zetsu suddenly stands from the bed and I watch her closely, untrusting of her and any motive she may have, and for a good reason, but I soon regretted this however as the moment she was to her feet, her towel fell to the ground, punishing my poor eyes with an entire second of witnessing her naked backside before I was able to react and slap a hand over my eyes which I was surprised weren't bleeding after seeing such a thing.

I hear the faint sound of her bare feet walking over the carpet and suddenly feel something press against my body, making me tense since I was left to assume what was currently rubbing up against me was _her._ A hand wraps around my wrist of the hand shielding my eyes and I struggle against her but she proved to be surprisingly strong as she manages to pry my hand away and pins my wrist against the door along with my other to prevent me from protecting my eyes from the ungodly sight that was her body and I was left to just squeeze them close and turn my head away. She doesn't go as far as trying to open my eyes thankfully but I was left blind to what she was doing and after a few tense moments, a cold shiver sudden races down my back when I feel her warm breath brush against my neck and her body compress itself against mine, shoving me against the bathroom door and since it was either her or fleeing into a bathroom full of vomit, I was trapped.

"If you desired me that much you resorted to such…_fantasies, _you could have just told me and I would have made an…_exception."_ She purrs seductively, her lips brushing against my neck and I shutter violently from the action, swallowing thickly as I struggled to keep my cool and not allow her to see how disturbed she was making me right now. The hand braced upon my left wrists creeps upwards upon my arm then back down as her fingers brush lightly against my skin. Her fingertips slides between my fingers and moves to my hip, gliding over my pelvis and landing on my groin, making me jump as she pressed her hand down onto it. She removes her other hand and braces it under my neck, entangling her fingers in my blonde locks as she strokes them with surprising gentleness.

Suddenly, the hand upon my crouch thrusts forward as she grabs hold of my manhood underneath and I cry out in pain as her fist crushes the sensitive parts. The hand on my neck pulls me downward and she hovers her lips over my ear.

"Do not test me, Deidara." She hisses in it, clenching her hand tighter and I was left only to squeak out weakly as the hold she had on me left my voice weak and high-pitched. **"If you push me, I will not hesitate to push you back and **_**hard."**_

She squeezes my manly parts for several seconds before releasing them and steps away from me as she walks away to retrieve her towel, causing me to sink to my knees once free as my legs had melted to jelly and I rub my manhood that was stinging madly from her ruthless hand. I glower madly at her as she wraps herself back up in the colourful towel, not bothering to look back at me or make another remark of any kind as she strolls over to the door with a proud stride in the mist of my suffering.

"Bring it bitch." I seeth out at her departing back as she left the room, closing the door behind herself.

…

**AN: Here is the third chapter. The ending could be better but whatever. Anyway, this chapter is more of a filler but it sets up their animosity towards each other more and sets the stage for the events to come so stay tuned because shit is about to get real. **

**Leave a comment please. They're greatly appreciated and encourage me to continue working on this story and producing more chapters!**

**Also, excuse any and all mistakes. I've still been too lazy to get a beta. Sorry! **


	4. So Shake Me

**AN: Sorry for the late update but I want to thank everyone for staying around this long and I hope this chapter makes it up to you. **

…

After the incident with Zetsu, the woman spent the next week indeed 'bringing it on'.

Due to Zetsu 'injuries', Sir Leader had given us the week off to allow Zetsu to recover and unfortunately for me, plan her revenge. I became so paranoid of her guaranteed plotting that I began sleeping on the couch (which somehow was worse than the floor) and spending all my free time in the dungeons since I was unable to leave the base due to my punishment for the prank (still worth it though). Despite my evasive tactics though, I still managed to unknowingly walk into the subtle traps she had set for me.

First was a simple one where she had shoved ice cubes in my pillow so when I went to sleep later that night, I was met with a pillow soaked in freezing water from the melted ice and I was forced to sleep with my face being grinding up by the rough carpet. The next was a bit more complex where she lanced my tupperware of leftovers with some type of toxin that made my nose bleed heavily for three hours straight, causing me to have to resort to Konan's help and spend those three hours hiding in her room with tampons shoved up my nose. Next was she stashed all of my clothing while I was showering once, so when I had to when I stepped out, there wasn't a article of clothing left to wear, I was left with burrowing Tobi's wardrobe which consisted of three styles. Orange, cartoonish, and just plain stupid. Needless to say, I instead chose to just walk around naked with my cloak on a only means of cover. The last trap was the cruelest and most embarrassing. Somehow, Zetsu managed to sneak a powdered enhancement or something in either my food or drink which cursed me with a nasty erection that no matter how much I attempted to rid, it refused and after fours hours of this, I was forced to get help from Konan, whom had no means to cure it and she was forced to call the Akatsuki's personal doctor, Dr. Ryu, who came over and had to give me a shot in my manly parts so to kill the stubborn boner. However, not even that helped and instead, he had to drain the blood completely from it until it had none left to stand.

By the time the week was over, I had well learned my lesson that Zetsu was not one to be trifled with but it did little to deter my desire to exact my own revenge which I wasted little to no time conceiving it but was unable to actually put my plans in action because once the week was over and Zetsu was mostly healed, Sir Leader slapped us with a new mission. Unfortunately, this one taking place in the deepest pits of the frozen over Hell that was known as Yukigakure, chasing some old bastard that had a rare scroll or some shit like that.

Somewhat thankfully for me, Zetsu chose again not to travel with me or 'guide' me like last time and didn't even scold me for taking off on one of my birds right in front of her, predictably because I suppose being the smart ass she was, she realized my clay creations could not function in the below-zero temperatures and therefore could not fly, forcing me to abandon them in favour of walking once I actually entered the snowy region. Or maybe not, but it was just a guess. There almost no way to actually be sure of what that crazy bitch was thinking. It was like attempting to predict the weather. Or a tornado to be more precise.

Once the temperature began to drop and snow drifted down from the heavens above into a land of pitch white, I landed the clay falcon to the mushy ground and returned its earthy body back to my pouch with its destroyed brethren before proceeding on foot. I didn't get far however due to the fact our rendezvous spot was that upon the mountain the old fart lived on, and there were about a thousand mountains in this damned place and they all looked the same. Unless the mountain I was supposed to hike up had a giant sign on it reading 'go here', there was no telling them apart. For a brief moment, I actually wished Zetsu had been helping me out but quickly shook it off when remembering the horrors she had placed me through. I didn't need that bitch, I had this! I had this…

Clenching onto that weak bit of confidence, I stubbornly stomped through the icy plains of the frozen country in search of that one elusive mountain. It didn't last long. Due to the harsh, freezing winds and ankle-deep snow, I only managed to shuffle around for an hour or so (the sky was so cloudy and dark it was hard to tell the time) before my legs froze me and I was barely able to pull myself through the wet snow any longer. Damn white shit! I liked you snow but now, I was beginning to question our relationship. Pausing in mid-step for a moment, I observed my surroundings only to feel the back of my eyes throb from the painful brightness of blistering white substance. White, I used to like white also and now it was getting on my fucking nerves too. Shifting my gaze to the towering mountains that surrounded the valley, I decided to hike up the nearest one that was also the tallest, in hopes once I was at the peak, I would be able to get a better view of the neighboring hills and scope out the apparent cabin that had been stated as being upon one of these eyesores.

Willingly away the numbness engulfing my feet and crawling up my shins, I trek toward the mountain base and begin the grueling process of heaving myself up the seep incline of the rocky exterior. Wind harshly exhaled against me and with the slippery effect of the snow, on more than one occasion actually knocked me off my feet and made me tumble down the cold slopes several feet, forcing me to trace over my footsteps so to reach the spot I had originally been only to be toppled back over and returned to the previous spot. I only managed to reach the mid-section of the dominating ridge before I had to stop from the exhaustion and collapsed against a boulder sitting in the pathway upwards. Due to my lack of proper clothing for this type of weather, having gone with my cloak and normal wardrobe of fishnet while foolishly thinking, "How cold could it be in the dead of summer?", I was soaked to the bone from the melted snow and trembling so violently to the point my poor frozen bones were aching. Even my teeth felt close to shattering from how much they were clattering. I sigh, my warm breath immediately transforming into vapor as it escaped my mouth and I was surprised it didn't just turn into icicles from the frigid degree. Fuck this place so hard. I hoped I never had to come here again.

My mental bitching is soon interrupting however when all of a sudden, the snow-covered, elongated boulder perched beside the one I was leant against extends from the ground like an automated pillar. The action startles me as a scramble away from it, thrusting my hand into my pouch in the process to craft an explosive to blow the moving rock to bits but before I was able to, the rock shutters, shaking itself free of the snow layering it and as it did, I realized it wasn't a rock at all. The not-rock groans and spreads open with Zetsu peering at me from within. I release a sigh of relief at the sight of the woman and the mouth on my hand spits out the hunk of clay is had been chewing, frowning in disappointment.

"I see you managed to get here without getting lost. **For once.**" The cannibal comments, her plant-like shell closing again as the relentless wind washed over us both, leaving just a crack for her human-like eye to peek through at me.

I blink in slight confusion at her statement and glance around, unsure whether or not she was pulling my leg but as I observed the inclining path that led up the side of the mountain, the mist of blown snow cleared for a brief moment and I saw the outline of what was obviously a house, or cabin in this case. Wow…what luck?

I itch at my head in an awkward gesture. "Err…y-yeah. I did, un." I mumble out quickly and glance away from her single golden orb, hoping she didn't she that I was blatantly lying. "So…w-what's the s-s-situation, un?" I shutter out despite the fact I was attempting to tense my jaw to avoid doing so. It was too cold!

"**Nothing. The old bastard has been locked up in his cabin since I arrived two hours prior.** No activity whatsoever and due to the fact there was no information supplied to us, it is near impossible as of now to predict his patterns and successfully retrieve the scroll without any confrontation." Zetsu explains thoroughly in her normal, deadened tone and unlike her when obtaining this information, I groaned aloud when realizing just what that meant.

"So that means he have to sit out here, in the fucking freezing cold and wait for that old fart to fucking do something, un!" I kick the boulder in a childish action and immediately my foot throbs with pain, making me cringe.

"**Sit your ass down!"** The man-like voice of Zetsu scolds. **"We don't want our target sighting us!" **

I huff at the woman's abrupt command but am compelled to obey it anyway as I plop down beside her in the soggy snow which sep right through the fabric of my pants and directly against my ass, making me jump back up into surprise with a yelp. Zetsu spares me a menacing glare at my tomfoolery and I am forced to seat myself back down, shuttering at the freezing liquid that soaks my backside. God damnit, why didn't I actually think and plan ahead for once when I was told I would be stuck in a frozen wasteland! Zetsu was only wearing a muscle shirt under her cloak and somehow that was considered warmer than what I was wearing! Not that I noticed what she was wearing, god no. It was just the only thing she_ ever_ wore since she didn't actually own any shirts or anything of the sort in her wardrobe. Err…not that I looked at her wardrobe. We shared a closet and she kept all her clothing folded in the back corner and I just happened to notice she only had a few muscle shirts which I thought was plain tacky considering she didn't wear any bras along with them so you could practically see her breasts. Not that I looked at her breasts! I just…they just…

"So w-what is this damned scroll for anyway, un?" I demand loudly after only a few seconds of silence between the both of us in an attempt to cease my inner humiliation and Zetsu once again shoots me a foul gaze, probably due to the level I had to raise my voice in order to speak over the wind which also could alert our target if he had my idiotic shouting.

"**Well,"** The bipolar female begins, her voice much quieter than my own as the single word escapes her mouth in the form of her usually snarl. "**As you know, or I hope you know, Yukigakure is notorious for their unusual technology that bypasses anything seen in the rest of the world.** Apparently, our target, Icnivad Odranoel, has been assigned directly to design a new weapon for the Yukigakure Forces. A massive steam powered, armoured cart that is equipped with a cannon able to shoot gunpowder filled canisters. As absurd as it sounds, early models have already been created and tested, proven successful in their design. Such technology would be crucial for the Akatsuki to possess as it would give us a means over others if war is ever declared upon us."

I release an impressed scoff after the explanation was finished. "N-No shit? If it can blow shit up, I w-want to be the first one to steer one of those things, un." I declare proudly and lean up against the iced-over boulder. "Sounds like having one of those bad boys alone would allow us to take over the world, un. Screw the bijuu."

"Which is exactly why you must not have the blueprints." A new voice suddenly speaks behind us. Zetsu and I both leap up at the same time and spin around to find an older man, who I quickly presumed to be our target, posed behind us. Calmly I might add, as he stood there with his arms crossed, no indication he was going to attempt an altercation with us despite his proclamation, or even the cold remotely bothered if as he was only clad in a light purple, floral pattern kimono. Why was it the temperature didn't bother anyone but me?

"Oh yeah, you old b-bastard? And I'm guessing you're going to s-stop us, un?" I taunted the elderly man as I thrusted my hand into my trusty clay pouch and the mouth on my hand wasted no time to greedily gulp down a profuse amount of the crafting material and chew it.

"Exactly." He replies impassively and lifts his arms up as two katanas promptly propel from underneath the sleeves of his kimono and neatly fall into his palms. He poses himself in a defensive position with the matching swords forming an X in a makeshift shield. Zetsu was the first to make a move as she did not hesitate to immediately charge in at the old fart, only armed with a single kunai which she used to strike at the blades with an echoing clang, effectively breaking the man's defense as one of the katanas is flung clear out of his hand and embeds itself in the ground several feet away. The elder sprung back a step and swung the remaining sword at the attacking woman which Zetsu gracefully avoided as she bent herself backwards onto her hands, the scene playing out like something out of a movie as the blade slashed through the air above her hunched over torso and she brought her foot up, kicking the man's hand and causing the katana to spring from his grasp and shoot upwards in a rapid spin before it came back down and plunged into the snow only a foot from its botheren.

Zetsu rolls backwards into an upright position and lunges at our target again with the kunai posed at his neck whom blocked the knife with his bare hands as he clenched her wrist and bent it away from him while bringing his elbow down towards her own which she managed to avoid by flipping herself forward so her arm was ripped from his grasp then spun around for another attempt with the blade at his neck which he successfully slapped away. While the two continued to fray, my mouth finally finished its prolonged nibbled on the beloved clay and I open my hand as the mouth spat out four separate spiders.

"Move out of the way, un!" I call out to Zetsu as I cocked my arm back to toss the spiders at the combative bastard though the woman does not do as I told as she instead turns her head to glance over her shoulder at me for a brief second.

"Don't!** You'll cause an avalanche if you set off those damned explosions of yours!"** She snaps before concentrating back on the old man, narrowly avoiding a chop to the neck as he swung his hand at her. I swear when realizing this fact also and am forced to crumble the spiders apart back into my pouch. Spotting the abandoned katanas, I snag the chance and sprint over to them, wrenching them from the ground before turning on my heel and blitz toward the battleground where Zetsu and our target continued to duke it out and exchange blows.

"Outta the way, un!" I sneer at Zetsu and roughly tackle the female beside as I slash one of the blades at the bastard, taking him by surprise as he is barely able to avoid the ambush by springing backwards a few feet. As he landed, he hunched forward while clenching at his stomach and I noticed the soft violet fabric of his robe around the area became stained with crimson, causing a smirk to cross my lips at the sight of the favoured liquid.

"Give it up, old man," I taunt as I toss away the blades, nearly slicing Zetsu in the process who had taken an offensive stance beside me, prepared to school the bastard again if need be. "Just hand over what we want, and I'll decide if I want to kill you painfully, or _very _painfully, un."

The grey-haired man does not immediately reply and a chilly wind blows over us, replicating a stand-off scene in those hick films Sunagakure was infamous for, minus the desert and tumbleweeds. A long minute pans out of all of us just staring at each other before the target finally straightens himself out, removing his hand from his penetrated stomach that was still pumping a decent amount of blood as his kimono slowly turned red.

"Very well." He responds calmly in a voice so quiet I was barely able to hear it over the roaring wind. His hands hastily begin forming handseals and Zetsu and I both brace ourselves for whatever jutsu he had in store for us. The signs cease and a faint bluish glow engulfs the old fart, beginning from his head and submerging him completely down towards his feet. I glance at Zetsu, curious if she knew what the stubborn bastard was up to, but upon observing her face, she appeared just as clueless as I was. Focusing back on the other male, the elder was now sluggishly lifting his leg upwards, as if suddenly warped into slow motion and at this gesture, Zetsu suddenly cries out.

**"Fuck! Stop him!"**

I look at her in confusion as she suddenly lurches forward toward the man but whatever it is was she intended to prevent, she failed to do so as the old man slams down his hovering foot to the ground and a jarring tremor is unleashed from the force, causing both Zetsu and I to lose our balance and tumble into the snow. I quickly lift myself up onto my hands just in time to hear what sounded like booming thunder and gaze upward toward the sky, curious where the sound was resonating from but as I did, I noticed something from the corner of my eye and glance over only to stare in horror at the sight of the top of the mountain as it caved in on itself, causing snow and hunks of rock to come crashing down the sides towards us. Fuck an avalanche; he was trying to bring the whole fucking mountain down on us!

I instantly get to my feet and begin fleeing onto the pathway that led down the base of the mountain while grabbing a handful of clay, urging the mouth and eat it as fast as possible. There was no way I could outrun the debris so my only chance of survival was flying, I just hoped the bird could escape the toppling mountain also.

I hear rapid footsteps behind me and glimpse over my shoulder to see Zetsu following behind as she too desperately tried to outrun the massive avalanche. She twitches slightly the eyesore of her flytrap juts up from underneath of her cloak, shielding her as he clamps down around her torso. She abruptly darts to the side and I watch as she dives in a nearby stone wall, melting into it and causing me to seethe angrily at her. Cowardly bitch was using that damned jutsu of hers to flee while she left me out to dry! Bitch, bitch, bitch!

Another thundering roar shatters my thoughts and I look behind me to find the avalanche engulfing the old bastard's cabin along with him whom had not moved since we ran and stood there, relaxed as ever as the snow swallowed him whole before it continued barreling toward me at breakneck speeds. At this rate, I wouldn't be able to escape!

The mouth on my hand desperately attempts to craft the clay into a method of flight but at this point it seemed too late and the violent quaking beneath my feet accompanied by another ungodly roar confirmed it. I managed to spare the approaching death one last time before the rolling mounds of snow and various debris caught up with me and mercilessly bowled me over, knocking me clear unconscious as it came in contact with my body and devoured me.

…

I wasn't sure how much longer it was later when I barely regained consciousness but all I knew was I was cold, sore, and couldn't move. My eyes sluggishly rolled open, to which I noticed my scope was gone, only to squint closed again as the blinding sight of pure white greeted me. After a few seconds, I fought off the threat of passing back out and peeked my eyes open again, the same foul colour to be the only thing I saw. I glance around only to be met with the same thing. White, just endless, disgusting white. Was I in a hospital? An asylum? Dead? But why was it so cold? Why couldn't I move?

After a span of several moments, my mind finally caught up with me and was able to process properly at which I realized I was in a room of any sort, but smothered in snow. I had been buried alive by the avalanche. At this realizing, a spike of panic struck me and my eyes franticly glanced around, confirming the fear as I noticed the snow completely submerged my lower body and left arm, only leaving my right arm and upper body free as a the snow formed a sort of bubble around me, slightly calming my nerves but it did little to repress the fact I was still buried alive and would slowly begin to freeze to death.

I attempted to wiggle about, testing how compressed I was, but when my legs and trapped arm refused to move, I realized I couldn't even feel them, sparking a new worry that I was suffering from severe frost bite and would lose my arm and legs. I had lost my arm once, but my legs were a different case and I'd rather not have them cut off too. I squirmed around a bit more but had to give up after only a few mere seconds as my muscles easily tired out. Must be hypothermia setting in. I didn't know how long I had been out, and considering that, I didn't know how much longer I had. I'll I could do was wait, and pray Zetsu possibly came back for me, or wait to die. Tch, like she would. Looks like the Grim Reaper was more of my option.

Due to the cold slowly sapping my strength, I was barely able to wriggle myself around any longer and had to take frequent breaks until the point I was no longer even able to move and the numbness now crept over the rest of my body, steadily paralyzing me completely throughout. Even my eyelids felt suspiciously heavy as I struggled to keep them open. I assumed it was probably a concussion from some random debris striking my head or the hypothermia now gnawing at my brain but I wasn't sure which.

The seconds tucked by and I was just left to lie there, staring at the ugly colour of the snow that was gradually murdering me while fighting to keep consciousness since I knew if I passed back out, I'd probably not wake up again. I wasn't sure how long this went on for, only a few seconds, a few minutes, or even a few hours, until I heard what I could only presume, in my disoriented state, was an angel finally coming to dig me out and put my out of my frozen misery. As the footsteps neared, I was able to distinguish the chakra of the supposed 'angel' belonged to, of all people, Zetsu. Wait…did Zetsu die and become an angel? Her, of all people? Yeah, her and Sasori both. Heh.

Zetsu wondered towards me but as she neared walking directly atop me, she took a sudden left and walked away; making it evident she was indeed searching for me and probably assumed I had been buried alive from the avalanche. I open my mouth to yell out to her, since it was obvious she was unable to find me, but my poor, cold throat was unable to create such a sound as a weak groan tumbled out instead that was too quiet to penetrate the snow out to her. After a handful of failed attempts, I conceived a new idea and instead began to scratch at the snow with my free hand, hoping she would be able to hear the faint sound even under at least a foot or so of snow. I continue the action while closely listening to her shuffling about in the snow a few feet from me, hoping she would eventually hear me and dig me out. Thankfully, it seems whatever divinity was in charge heard me and decided to take mercy upon me after fucking with me so much today as Zetsu pauses for a moment then began roaming directly toward me.

She stopped atop me and I cease my scratching for a moment, waiting to see if she knew where I was and to my relief, she did as I heard her begin to dig through the snow that was piled on me. Thank the lord. I would never call her a bitch again. I couldn't believe she was actually saving me when she said she never would. Heh, lying bitch. Opps, just said I wouldn't call her that. Err…lying witch. That'll work I guess.

She continues to scoop the snow and ice away until finally, a chuck of snow fell away above my right arm and light filtered in from above. The hole grew bigger as she shoveled away more snow and I weakly lifted my hand to show her I was indeed still alive. At this, her blackened arm descended into the hole and she grabbed hold of my hand to which I squeeze, releasing a sigh of relief. Looks like I owed her for this.

However, as soon as that thought crossed my mind, she reached her other arm into the hole and with her other hand, she gripped my ring and twisted it off my index finger. With that my ring in hand, she released my hand and lifts her arms from the frozen hole, leaving me in a mist of confusion as all of a sudden she blatantly left and her footsteps began walking away with no clear intention of turning around as eventually they disappeared and I was no longer able to feel her chakra.

It took my lethargic brain a full minute until I was able to process what had just happened and once I finally comprehended the previous events, an explosive animosity swelled through every inch of my body and mind, making the cold nonexistent from the sheer heat my malevolence was emitting that I was surprised the snow didn't just melt around me. That goddamned, fucking, little bitch! She took my fucking ring to take back to Sir Leader so to pass on I was dead! Fucking bitch! Goddamned cunt!

Fueled by overwhelming hatred, my body as able to shake itself free of the cold hands of death and hypothermia as I began thrashing in the cramped cavern, causing the hole Zetsu had left me with to expand as hunks of snow fell away, encouraging I was indeed not burrowed as deeply as I first assumed and using my unhindered arm, I reached up and began clawing away the rest of the snow away, enlarging the hole. I managed to shovel away some of the substance away from my trapped pelvis but it wasn't enough to enable any movements of my legs so I concentrated on my other arm instead, shooing away the few inches of snow that was weighing it down. I managed to free it too and with my upper body completely able of movements, I dug the small hole of snow I was submerged in away until there was none left and instead of the blistering white, I was staring upward at the deep gray of the cloudy Yukigakure sky. Almost out, at least I could breathe a little better now.

With only my legs left buried, I bent myself upwards and force my still weakened muscles to hold me in the hunched position as I uncovered my legs, though I had to take a break every once in awhile due to my sore back muscles, after a good amount of time I managed to unearth my lower body and I pulled myself free of my snowy grave. I rolled onto my stomach crawled away a few feet before allowing myself to collapse back into the snow as I rolled onto my back, gazing up at the darkened sky as I panted harshly to refill my chilled lungs. After taking a moment to recollect myself, I shifted myself back onto my hands and knees and pushed myself up onto my feet only to fall backwards onto my ass as my legs refused to cooperate with my brain, probably from the undetermined amount of time suppressed in the pound of snow and the bones were now nothing but glass. Looks like I wasn't walking out of here.

Observing my surroundings, I take note of how the wind had died down and snow was softly falling from the sky having calmed down from its vicious nature before. Flying out of here seemed to be the only option and if the weather stayed the way it was, my bird should be able to escape this frozen hellhole before it shattered to pieces and out of the sky. Noting that, I unzip my pouch and scrape up a handful of clay, shoving it into the mouth upon my palm despite its objections to do so, probably due to it suffering from severe brain freeze despite the fact it didn't have a brain.

After fighting with the stubborn mouth for a bit, it finally gave in and began to reluctantly chew the rubber-like dirt. A few seconds later, it coughs the clay back into my palm and slowly crafts it into a slightly lumpy falcon, though I could care less at the moment. I just wanted to get back to base and teach that bitch a lesson.

Activating the winged artwork, I heave myself onto its back before it launched into sky, wasting no time to sail out of the arctic atmosphere of the ice-covered land. Thankfully, the malformed hawk was able to escape without as much as a flutter or crack and we barreled homebound unhindered, during which I spent the time planning what exactly I was going to do once I saw Zetsu's ugly-ass face again. Possibly murder her. That seemed appropriate since technically she murdered me by passing me on as dead. Bitch.

It took several hours to actually reach the base and was now well into the evening, but even by the time we landed, I was still rearing for a fight with my 'partner'. I charge into the hideout, ignoring Konan's ask if I was alright as I stomp past her and to Sir Leader's office, not bothering to knock as I throw the door open.

This did little to bother the man as being his usual self, didn't even bother to tear his eyes from his damned sheets of paperwork as he addressed me in a voice that matched his attitude.

"Deidara. I can't say I'm surprised to see you." He began, scribbling something down on the first page and setting it aside in a pile of papers that were noticeably smaller than the pile of papers still be signed. "When Zetsu returned with your ring, I doubted her story of your death when she returned without your body or any signs she had devoured your corpse. Needless to say, I'm glad to see you alive. You are much too valuable to the Akatsuki to lose."

I snort rudely. "Just give me my fucking ring, un." I sneer at the leader, uncaring I was speaking such a way to my authority, but it was obvious Sir Leader didn't care also as he didn't bother to snap at me from my rudeness and instead, pulls out a drawer in his desk and retrieves my ring from it before placing it in front of me. I snatch up the stupid piece of jewelry before turning heel and rushing out of his office to my room, eager to teach that bitch a lesson for messing with _me._

I hastily unlock the door with the proper signs before ramming it open and storming inside where Zetsu was casually sitting at her desk, working on some type of paperwork Sir Leader had dumped on her. Much like Sir Leader himself, she gave little care at my presence and didn't acknowledge me until I swung my fist directly at her bicoloured face, an attack she easily dodged as she ducked under the swinging limb and rolled out of her chair to the opposite side of the room, poising herself upright though I gave her little time to prepare as I struck again, spinning my foot around toward her knees. She easily blocked the assault by reflecting my foot with her ankle and threw her own fist at me, which I avoided as I brought my opened hand at her face causing the room to echo with a nasty slapping sound as my hand met her face and jerked her head to the side.

The woman releases an inhumane snarl and slashed her nails at my own cheek, slicing the tender flesh open with four separate lacerations as blood sprung from the savage cuts. I attempt to hit her again but she caught my offensive wrist in her hand to which I tugged back, causing her to stumble forward a step which was enough for me to slam my forehead into hers. A loud cracking emitted from our skulls ramming together and both of us stagger away from the other, dazed from the head clashing though we both shake it off relatively fast and lunge back at each other, claws out and teeth bared like a pair of feral cats.

I managed to deliver my fists down onto her back in mid-pounce, knocking her to the floor but it did little to deter her as in my surprise, she surges forward at my leg and clamped her ferocious jowls straight in my calf like a feral dog. I howl out from the burst of agony from her sharpened teeth piercing the sensitive muscle and trip over myself as I attempt to free myself for her mouth while I shake my leg. Sitting on the ground, I continue to jerk my leg around franticly to jar her free but similar to a bear trap, the harder I fought the tighter her mouth became until the point her fangs were fully embedded in the muscle and brushing against the bone. Anymore and she would bite my leg directly off. With this knowledge, I cease my thrashing and instead resort to using my freed leg to kick her as I stomp the heel of my sandal repeatedly into her head, trying that way to dislodge her but it too proved futile that even with that, she did not release me or even loosen her jaws, obviously not giving a flying fuck if I kicked my foot right into her skull.

After hassling with her a bit longer, I finally achieve a victory when I brought my foot down onto her face and there was a tremendous cracking sound causing Zetsu to surrender my leg back to me as she jerks away and clenches at her nose which was spilling thick rivers of blood down her face, revealing the cracking had been the breaking of her nose. Once freed, I attempt to shuffle backwards away from her so I could get back to my feet but before I was able to do so, she pounces at me again and pinned me to the ground as she braced her hands onto my shoulders and sat herself down onto my pelvis. The cannibal snarls in my face while gnashing her blood-stained fangs mere centimeters from my nose, making me involuntarily shrink away from the razorblade-like teeth.

"**Don't fuck with me, you idiotic, little brat!" **She roars, her normally monotone voice escaping as a demonic snarl as she snaps her jaws at me again and I recoil when the blood flowing from her crooked nose splashed my face. **"I will fucking end your miserable existence in a goddamn second!"**

"Just try it, you disease-riddled slut!" I challenge and spit directly in her face, smirking smugly when it landed in her human eye.

The woman says nothing and after a moment, releases me as she stands up and without a word, walks back to her desk at which she sits down. Taking this as a victory, I get up myself and chuckle tauntingly toward the bitch before limping toward the bathroom to wash out and clean my wounds. The battle was over, but fuck me if this didn't mean war.

…

**AN: I'm not proud of this chapter, not one bit. The fight scenes were agonizing and even describing the environment was a trouble. I'm guessing after a month I would indeed be rusty and I apologize to my fans. Hopefully the next chapter will be far better. **

**R&R? **


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